This has not been the case since last Friday. It's hard to put my finger on it but I feel low, and am in a constant state of hyper analysis, self recrimination and self loathing. These are all the mindsets I had through 25 years of gambling and the ones I need to avoid. Although I know this, I cannot seem to shake it. I'm eschewing the companionship of others, and dwelling on the negatives of my past.
It would be simple to say that the past is gone, and I'm now on a new road, but I cannot convince myself of this. The evidence of my gambling is eminently visible, and the consequences accompany me every day now and for the foreseeable future. I would be naive to expect the sins of my past not to haunt me, but I'm finding it difficult at the moment as they occupy my every waking moment. My sleep pattern has reverted to 2/3 hours per night and my willingness to share and get involved with normal life is diminishing rapidly. My thought process is becoming increasingly disordered and cluttered. I cannot focus and it's bothering me. This is how my head operated when I was gambling, I do not feel like betting, but I do not feel alive. I feel as if I'm a disembodied soul wondering aimlessly, devoid of purpose or emotion.
This is unfair on those around me, but I cannot seem to make myself care.
Below is part of the roadmap to recovery as recommended in the GA handbook.
Liabilities — Watch for Assets — Strive for
False pride Simplicity
Negative thinking Positive thinking
Vulgar, immoral High minded, spiritual
Trashy thinking Clean thinking
Criticizing Look for the good
Despite my efforts over the past few days I am lingering on the liability side of the table. As stated above, this is not an infrequent occurrence but the longevity of the current episode is concerning me.
The more likely explanation is that of a self indulgent idiot finally facing the realities for his past, and not liking the truth. To paraphrase Dot Cotton -You cannot go forwards if you are forever looking backwards. I think I'm revisiting the scene of my crimes, seeking absolution from my self, but deep down I know I don't deserve it.
I need to redouble my efforts, I need to be an asset, I will not continue to be a liability.
My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post.