tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66479882977570943762024-03-12T21:56:14.278-07:00Betfair trading to Gamblers AnonymousCatalogue of a gambling addicts road to recovery (hopefully).Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-13310223026289901762014-06-01T15:25:00.000-07:002014-06-01T15:25:06.182-07:00Below comment was on previous post and I'll try a response.<br />
<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Y<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">ou see, gambling isn't your problem and it never will be or has been.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">I get thoroughly pissed by amateur psychologists trying their hand at introspection and giving Gambling a bad name. gambling has ruined nobody at all ever. That is the truth of the matter.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">But you, YOU know differently, don't you?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">Well, actually you might be surprised to learn that you don't.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">You gambled and chose to use that vehicle on which to blame your failings as a human being.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">If your gambling had brought monetary wealth, you would still have those same failings. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">You're not pathetic because you lost a fortune by continually gambling. Its because you blame gambling for the mental collapse which drove you to seek resolution by gambling.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">Counselling gamblers to stop gambling is generally a counter productive intervention and usually does more harm to their mental restructuring.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">Hey. but who am I?</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">Some anonymous commentator on a blog!</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">Gamble or don't. You probably have a choice. If you were my daughter I would make you gamble because using it as an excuse will never set you free.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">But... </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18.899999618530273px; text-align: justify;">never stop trying to understand how. Not why, but how you were able to gamble in the beginning.</span><br />
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End of Comment<br />
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<br />
I have stated in previous posts that I'm uncomfortable with the concept of gambling as an addiction. I am still not convinced, in fact I agree with the comment above. I did chose to gamble, and have no doubt that if I had been successful I would never have stopped. I am a failed gambler.<br />
<br />
I still have a choice and may start to gamble again in the morning. I do not blame gambling for my failings as a human being, I'm aware where the responsibility for those failings lay. Stopping gambling has not cured those failings, but it has coincided with me arresting the behaviour associated with them, and I'm enjoying that.<br />
<br />
I do not hate gambling or gamblers, in fact I admire those that have the mental make up to be successful in such a competitive field. If it appears that I'm on an anti gambling crusade then that's misleading of me, I'm not, and never will be. I have also stated that I don't believe that gambling was the cause of any collapse I had, it was the vehicle that I chose to enable my collapse.The more I think about the above comment the more I realise how right the commentator is, my behaviour and failings as a human being cannot be blamed on gambling, I chose the path I trod. If going to GA meetings allows me address my failings, and assists me in addressing them, then I'll continue to do so. As you said, it's a choice.I just got fed up of the type of person I am, and I've decided to change.<br />
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I don't understand the last line of your comment, but that's just another example of one of my failings.<br />
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Thanks for the comment.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-46167593458969022092014-05-07T10:44:00.000-07:002014-05-07T10:44:35.645-07:00Red Rocks for meHello my name is Paddy and I'm a compulsive gambler. I haven't had a bet today and it's been over a year now since my last bet.<br />
<br />
Am I cured?<br />
<br />
No, I can start again tomorrow, and if I start it will be with the same disregard for all consequences that I had for 25 years.<br />
<br />
Am I a better person ?<br />
This is the one I can't answer. My behaviour is better, but I'm still the same person. I still have a default answer status of lying, I still feel envy, I still self obsess, I still moan so I'm still the same person that lied, deceived, stole and disintegrated for 25 years. The difference now is that I don't do this all the time, and am aware of the onset of these behaviours.<br />
<br />
I was about say that these were the things that "made" me gamble. This is bullshit, I gambled because I wanted to.<br />
<br />
I stopped gambling because I was shit at gambling, I had no money left, no more escape routes, and wanted to see what I could be like without hating every living minute of my existence. I stopped gambling because I hadn't the courage to carry out the plan I had to kill myself. I was going to use the term "end it all" but there was no "all", it was an carousel of misery and despair. All this darkness was entirely self inflicted, but I just wondered what it might be like not to be a cunt all my adult life.<br />
<br />
The bad news is I'm still made up of all the ingredients that made me a proper cunt. Good news is I'm trying to exist as a lesser cunt, I try to be positive, truthful, caring and normal. I don't know what normal is, for me it was 25 years of compulsive gambling, but today it's not. Today, I can park the craziness, I intend it to be the same tomorrow.<br />
<br />
I was reminded of it the other night by an acquaintance about the night we won €500 each on the breeders cup on a bet. Red Rocks, Brian Meehan. I remember it well, but for different reasons to him. I fancied the horse and went out with the intention of backing him. I told one and all that he would win as I knew more than anyone else and this guy asked me to put €50 on for him on my account. I was a big shot so said no problem, and rang Paddy Power. Bit of an issue here as I couldn't get through, so instead of declining the bet, I laid it without his knowledge. I had to have a bet on the race, it mattered not that I was backing against the horse I had fancied to win. I had to have a bet.<br />
<br />
He won, at 11/1 so I duly handed over €550 to him. He toasted me for the night, in fact we both toasted me for the night, I kept my counsel, internally imploding and externally celebrating the fact that I "knew my horses", and, when I paid him on the spot my reputation was further enhanced. The fact that the money had been available to me because I had lied on an application for yet another credit card mattered little to me. This was an example of the insane world I inhabited when I gambled. I think the term "What the fuck" was invented for times like those.<br />
<br />
I'm smiling at the memory now, fuck knows how, but I am. I'm smiling because I hadn't a night like that for over a year now, I'm smiling because my life does not revolve about a "place bet now" button on a screen. I'm smiling now, because I can, I couldn't smile for half my life, I had no reason to.<br />
<br />
I'm glad I stopped, but I wouldn't have been able to type this today if I hadn't ended it.<br />
<br />
I still have the madness, the thought process that confuses the fuck out of myself and others on a regular basis, but at the end of it there's a smile or even a laugh. In essence, where there was despair there is now hope. I'd like to say I was quoting St Francis, but I'm not, I'm quoting Maggie, and I'm sure she's looking up at me now and nodding in approval. On that thought it's time to go, and look to the future, I'm fed up of looking back.<br />
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My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, come on in, there's plenty of room in the asylum, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnExahMPPFI" target="_blank">just press the link to apply</a>.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-1690716133692035742014-04-08T00:33:00.003-07:002014-04-08T00:35:13.303-07:00SoberingBlog post today by an elite sportsman that battles with depression.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><a href="http://waynehutchinson09.wordpress.com/">http://waynehutchinson09.wordpress.com/</a></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-76701431524416090502014-04-07T08:10:00.000-07:002014-04-07T08:14:32.530-07:00Easy like Sunday morningMy name is Paddy and I'm a compulsive gambler.<br />
<br />
I was going to write a post this week with reference to the Grand National and how the lack of involvement had affected me. I can't, because it didn't, I was actually unaware of the event until last Thursday when I saw the other guys in the office discussing the traditional sweepstake.<br />
<br />
In the past this was an event that simply couldn't have taken place without my superior knowledge and wisdom. This year I wasn't even offered a horse. I have not publicised my issues with gambling but I think those that work with me have noticed my behavioral changes over the last few months and I wasn't involved, nor invited to be.<br />
<br />
This change set me a thinking, I like to think and analyse. I awoke at 6.30am, introspection was the order of the morning, it always is during quiet times. In the past, these thoughts would have been of regret, fear and self loathing. Yesterday they were a realization that I now can have periods of serenity, however transient they may be.<br />
<br />
It's difficult to explain to those that don't wrestle internally with every decision they have made and those they will make. As long as I can remember I have questioned everything, I never felt at ease anywhere, with anyone. I spent years trying to find something that I still cannot identify. I have never felt at home in my own skin.<br />
<br />
Why ? I don't know and am now resolved to the fact I may never know. A lot of people seek to escape themselves as a result of traumatic experiences. I didn't have these hurdles to overcome, I was blessed with a cosseted upbringing that sheltered me from the horrors faced by unfortunate others. I was surrounded by a support structure that was always there if needed, omnipresent but never intrusive. Why did I always want more ? I don't know.<br />
<br />
What I do know is that my thought process and every action is no longer controlled by a destructive yet intangible need.<br />
<br />
What I do know is that I can now lie beside my sleeping wife and not hate myself for what I am doing to her and my family. What I do know is that I can now enjoy everyday things, and I can laugh.<br />
<br />
Laughter and enjoyment did not apply to me when I gambled. I sneered, I criticised, I argued and I demeaned. I hated, everything and everyone, I hated you, I hated me, I hated them all.<br />
<br />
Back to yesterday morning, my wife and I walked the dog, visited both our parents houses, and came home. It was nice, I like nice.<br />
<br />
I can wallow in regret, despair and disgust if I chose, but these were the only feelings I had when I gambled. My past deeds are done, I cannot undo them, I can acknowledge them and move on. I will always regret them and fear that part that makes a despicable me.<br />
<br />
Perhaps the most important thing I've learn't over the last few months is that the answers to life, the universe and everything aren't really that important, and I'm not that important. The other thing I learnt last week was "You can't put the shit back in the dog." So, clean it up, dispose of it, make the right choices and walk on.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-37944687873907203982014-04-03T04:41:00.002-07:002014-04-03T04:41:31.473-07:00See, it can come goodClick on the below link to read a story with a shitty beginning and is hurtling towards a happy ending, compulsive gambling, sporting endeavour and most of all, hope.<br />
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<a href="http://www.niallmcnamee.com/images/pdf/Niall-mcnamee-irish-independent-2013.pdf" target="_blank">Niall McNamee Article in national press.</a><br />
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For more contributions on Niall see the link on the side of the BLOG.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-2669963341434026252014-03-16T06:54:00.001-07:002014-03-16T06:55:04.501-07:00Sounds Like me<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Hello, my name is Paddy, I always say I am a compulsive gambler, I
have not had a bet since my last post.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I had a birthday during the week, not one that is usually
recognised as significant but as it represents about 50% of my expected
lifespan I'd say its significant. So half my life has passed, and half of that
was dominated by gambling. As a student I spent up to 16 hours a day in
the Vic snooker club in Limerick, playing two poker machines simultaneously,
the hypnotic beep beep of the high low gamble "feature" was the
soundtrack to my student years. My generosity was bottomless, I gave those
machines everything, I sacrificed my own well being, my food, my fare for the
80 miles home, I gave them my soul, just to make sure they were full, and kept singing
to me, I can still hear it now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">There are other sounds that still stay with me, the sound of a
cash machine counting the money, back in the old days, when I frequented the
bookies in Ballybricken. It's impossible to explain the surge of relief and
ecstasy I felt, just after entering the security number, waiting for the
insufficient funds message, then, the glorious whirring, whizzing sound of that
machine as the notes danced from some cold repository to my warm hands. What is
certain is that it would be gone, quickly and inevitably, but for that few
seconds as the machine sang, I rejoiced. To this day when I hear that sound, I
feel the sensation, the rush, doped on dopamine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Another sound that has the opposite effect is the closing of a
door. To this day I do not let a door close unless I'm facing it. Why ? If I
hear a door close behind my back it transports me to those nights the bookie
doors closed behind me, after the last race, and me out. Often I was beaten,
but even if I did win I would find some other way or place of relieving myself
of the load the winnings represented. The closing of the door represented the
return to the real world, the bookies was my Narnia, it was a fantasy word I
preferred to inhabit. Even now, when doors close behind me, I shiver, I feel
dread, guilt and hopelessness. Thankfully those are transient feelings today,
but once upon a time they were my shadow, both awake and asleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Anyway, this is not what I had intended posting about, but much
like my journey to this stage of my life, I got here and I don't know how. What
I intended to write was though I almost have a half century behind me, my real
birthday will be on May the first this year. I will have had a year where my
every living thought and deed was not driven by a force that I cannot
understand, resulting from decisions and choices I made. Somehow I ended up
talking about the beep, beep of a poker machine, and the glorious tune of a
cash dispenser. I haven't even got to the online stuff, but that's for another
post. The funny thing is I'm closing this post but those two sounds define over
20 years of my life, and I can still hear them now, I often do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">So, fuck this, I'm off to meet 10 or 11 like me . <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I like them, when I mention those sounds , they can whistle them
and smile. That's our arrival tune, here's our departure tune.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbsuAbTTsV8" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Whistle this peeps</span></a><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-82514520184471565792014-02-25T08:38:00.000-08:002014-02-25T08:38:31.883-08:00Cheltenham time againIt's amazing how quickly one becomes oblivious to events that were once a huge part of ones life when one basically banishes all interaction with an activity such as horse racing. One is also questioning the reason for the use of a third person pronoun to open the post, but one is going to stop using "one" now, if you know what I mean.<br />
<br />
I love Cheltenham, I was going to say "loved" but I suspect if I tune in again my love for the event would rekindle very quickly. I love the banter, I love the insightful knowledge displayed by every punter prior to each race. I love the buzz when the tapes go up, with the exception of Manhattan Castle, who reared as the tape went up at the start of a race many moons ago, and dumped all my hopes and dreams on the floor, along with the jockey and all my cash.<br />
<br />
I didn't love the feeling of failure I inevitably encountered by the end of the meeting. I hated the emptiness, I hated myself for repeating what I had always done, I hated handing over the last of my money, I hated the lies and the deceit that were required to maintain the veil of normality.<br />
<br />
In truth, it was not really the money I was handing over, it was a little part of me, it was a little part of my family and all the things that made life worth living, it was the vestiges whatever humanity I had managed to retain. I had made a deal with the devil, and he was just collecting his dues.<br />
<br />
It's hard for a "normal" person to understand the desolation and torment encountered by those of a similar disposition to me when all the fanciful hopes evaporate. The first reaction is one of disbelief, then fear and then emptiness. Desolation is a very difficult place to live but an easy place to find, time is irrelevant, life is irrelevant and the only thing I wanted was for it to end, but that was then.<br />
<br />
I still would love to be able to watch a race, and amaze others with my insight and intelligence. I would love to be able to put on a tenner and not continue to bet with a reckless abandon. I can't and I accept that now, but the hankering still lingers.<br />
<br />
The desire to partake is not as strong as desire to continue on the path I have found myself on. I will not return to desolation and darkness. It's too easy to find and too hard to escape. Gambling can be an interest or a pastime for some, but it's my heroin, it thrills me and destroys me. Not gambling means I can be a person, with purpose, with hopes, with a life worth living.<br />
<br />
My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-26719008217012262502014-01-15T06:21:00.001-08:002014-01-15T06:21:59.457-08:00Down TimeIts been a strange few days in that my general outlook has been quite poor since last Friday. During the past few months I have had inevitable periods of remorse and self recrimination, but not for sustained periods as I am learning to spot the triggers and change my outlook.<br />
<br />
This has not been the case since last Friday. It's hard to put my finger on it but I feel low, and am in a constant state of hyper analysis, self recrimination and self loathing. These are all the mindsets I had through 25 years of gambling and the ones I need to avoid. Although I know this, I cannot seem to shake it. I'm eschewing the companionship of others, and dwelling on the negatives of my past.<br />
<br />
It would be simple to say that the past is gone, and I'm now on a new road, but I cannot convince myself of this. The evidence of my gambling is eminently visible, and the consequences accompany me every day now and for the foreseeable future. I would be naive to expect the sins of my past not to haunt me, but I'm finding it difficult at the moment as they occupy my every waking moment. My sleep pattern has reverted to 2/3 hours per night and my willingness to share and get involved with normal life is diminishing rapidly. My thought process is becoming increasingly disordered and cluttered. I cannot focus and it's bothering me. This is how my head operated when I was gambling, I do not feel like betting, but I do not feel alive. I feel as if I'm a disembodied soul wondering aimlessly, devoid of purpose or emotion.<br />
<br />
This is unfair on those around me, but I cannot seem to make myself care.<br />
<br />
Below is part of the roadmap to recovery as recommended in the GA handbook.<br />
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<b><i>Liabilities — Watch for Assets — Strive for</i></b></div>
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Self-pity Self-forgetfulness</div>
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Self-justification Humility</div>
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Self-importance Modesty</div>
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Self-condemnation Self-valuation</div>
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Dishonesty Honesty</div>
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Impatience Patience</div>
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Hate Love</div>
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Resentment Forgiveness</div>
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False pride Simplicity</div>
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Jealousy Trust</div>
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Envy Generosity</div>
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Laziness Activity</div>
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Procrastination Promptness</div>
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Insincerity Straightforwardness</div>
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Negative thinking Positive thinking</div>
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Vulgar, immoral High minded, spiritual</div>
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Trashy thinking Clean thinking</div>
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Criticizing Look for the good</div>
<br />
Despite my efforts over the past few days I am lingering on the liability side of the table. As stated above, this is not an infrequent occurrence but the longevity of the current episode is concerning me.<br />
<br />
The more likely explanation is that of a self indulgent idiot finally facing the realities for his past, and not liking the truth. To paraphrase Dot Cotton -You cannot go forwards if you are forever looking backwards. I think I'm revisiting the scene of my crimes, seeking absolution from my self, but deep down I know I don't deserve it.<br />
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I need to redouble my efforts, I need to be an asset, I will not continue to be a liability.<br />
<br />
My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-48925512135181406792014-01-05T06:43:00.001-08:002014-01-07T07:04:06.748-08:00Any wonder I lost a fortune ?Just realised that Jan 1st meant it was 8 months since I had a bet not the 9 months I claimed.<br />
<br />
A basic requirement for success for every gambler or trader is the ability to calculate profit / loss, the fact that I got lost in the count from 1 to 9 may be a pointer to another reason I was a spectacular failure, may be I'm not a compulsive gambler after all, just a dumb fuck.<br />
<br />
Anyway, my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler and arithmetically illiterate, what a combnation (that should read combination so, QED).Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-72420704208786538702014-01-03T03:26:00.001-08:002014-01-03T03:26:29.405-08:00New Year, New me ?A common question around this time of year and my answer is that I hope not. I already tried to create a new me in mid 2013 so I'll continue to work on that, thank you very much.<br />
<br />
January 1st marked 9 month for me since I had a bet.<br />
<br />
9 months is enough time for a baby to grow and develop and be presented to the big bad world.<br />
<br />
Is 9 months enough for me?<br />
<br />
I'm not ready to leave the protection afforded to me by Gamblers Anonymous. I need frequent meetings to remind me that I've made progress, but the dark world I inhabited whilst gambling still exists. It's out there, just past the cervix. If I leave my womb, a whole new world will open up for me, one I could not resist before, a world promising untold riches and happiness, a world that delivers fear and despair. I don't want a ticket to that world, it's one way for me.<br />
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I like it in my womb, my 9 months may have elapsed, but I'm staying in, for as long as I stay here I will continue to be safe and happy. I spent 25 years bereft and broken, I think I'll stay here for as long as I can.<br />
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My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post, I'm some man.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-76192796381386333542013-12-11T02:52:00.000-08:002013-12-11T02:52:22.669-08:00What to do ?Hello again, 'tis I, the compulsive one.<br />
<br />
No bets, but the amount of time I now have available is beginning to concern me. I am stunned by the huge portion of my life that was consumed by the activity of gambling, thinking about gambling and other destructive activities associated with gambling. Put quite simply, I have loads of time and energy that needs channelling. I spent long enough wasting these resources so now I need to find something productive that will have a tangible benefit.<br />
<br />
I have always toyed with the idea of creative writing, and the more I mull over it the more attractive it seems. The problem is, the only projects that appeal to me tend to be dark, and not exactly uplifting.<br />
<br />
Here's the type of subject matter I was considering.<br />
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I love the idea of a tale along the lines of American Psycho but from the perspective of an Irish rural psycho, and the worst thing is I feel I could assume the perspective of the narrator quite easily.<br />
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I am also intrigued by the concept of a stage play, loosely in the format of 12 Angry Men but in the environment of a Gamblers Anonymous meeting, with 12 monologues charting the the progression of a member or members, along the road to recovery, or failure. I'm a bit uncomfortable with this one as I feel it may be a betrayal of the kinship of the members of GA, and strangely enough I seem to have a loyalty towards the fellowship. That in itself is progression for me, the fact that I have even a hint of loyalty show I have grown emotionally from the husk that I became when I was gambling incessantly.<br />
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I love the idea of a farce, based in the world of corporate bullshit with extreme characters demonstrating the ridiculousness of it all, and based on my experience the exaggeration required may not be as significant as one might think.<br />
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All of the above are fanciful and probably just a bow towards my proclivity towards escapism, and an overestimation of my literary skills.<br />
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I still have a nagging feeling I should direct my energies towards formal education and attain some kind of an academic qualification. I could probably do it through my employment, but, keep finding reasons not to do it. I'm trying to identify the cause of the reluctance but I think it's because I will discover I'm not capable of succeeding.<br />
I attended college for years but never passed final exams. I abdicated blame for this failure in another post by highlighting the fact I was a compulsive gambler during this period, but it's a convenient excuse to hide the fact I may not be intellectually capable of success. Gamblers are escapists, and I managed to convince myself through the years I was intelligent, but if I strip away all the bullshit I have no proof.<br />
I am learning to accept my emotional deficiencies by attending GA, but I'm not so sure I will accept my intellectual failures quite so easily.<br />
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What to do ? I don't know, but I'm still Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, and a confused one at that.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-81662609689655990992013-11-28T08:32:00.001-08:002013-11-29T04:20:47.125-08:00Higher Power ?Step 11 of the "recovery" program is<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: 14px;">"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.</span> "</b></span><br />
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This is a bit of a dilemma for me as I'm not religious, I only associate prayer with desperation or seeking forgiveness, and those are two mindsets I'm avoiding. As soon as I hear reference to God I tend to tune out, but, at a recent meeting I was interested to hear the other members describe their higher power as something other than a deity, it is whatever the person wants it to be.<br />
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I do a lot of walking now with our new puppy, and I speak to him as we walk, yip, I told you I was nuts, but I have decided he is going to be my power, but, by virtue of his size, a lower power.<br />
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On another note, I noticed last night that I now have the same hands as my father, if only the rest of me was similar, life would be a more noble journey.<br />
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Anyway, no bet since the last post, aren't I the great fellow ?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-47845126015581815882013-11-21T08:29:00.001-08:002013-11-21T08:29:19.892-08:00What's different ?Hello, my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler and I haven't had a bet for over 6 month now.<br />
<br />
So what has changed ?<br />
<br />
First things first, I admitted to myself I have a major problem, this admission was forced on me by my circumstances but it does not make it any less true.<br />
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Making the admission is fine but how does this result in one changing the habit's of a life time ?<br />
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The most important step I took was telling the truth to my wife and siblings. This seems relatively simple but the concept of telling the truth after a lifetime of deceit is not even on a compulsive gambler's radar. I was lucky and was immediately offered support by my wife and family. Support came in the forms of emotional and financial, but the emotional support and the sense of relief I felt after sharing my issues far outweighed the financial stress.<br />
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The next step I took was to approach <a href="https://www.mabs.ie/" target="_blank">MABS</a> (money advice) and worked with them to act as a third party between me and my creditors to create an agreed payment plan. I discovered that if one is willing to try the financial institutions will negotiate and come to some kind of agreement. The presence of a recognised intermediary was crucial in this process for me as it removed the stress in the process.<br />
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I handed ALL my access to finance and funds over to my wife, with the structure as follows.<br />
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My wages are paid into a current account, we have direct debits set up to service our mortgage, agreed payments to creditors and regular household bills. We then have a small surplus (agreed through the MABS budgeting service) to cater for other budgeted costs such as education, childcare, clothing, car expenses, medical costs. This money is removed from our current account and lodged every month into a Post office account that is only accessible by my wife. When my wife went to open this account she was asked for a utility bill or similar that had her name and address on it as proof of identity bit did not have one. She did not have one because I controlled all financial aspects of our lives for over 20 years, such are the manipulative powers of the gambler in me. It sounds contradictory but this is a great relief, If I have access to money there is a strong chance that the gambler in me will surface. I do not have much, but I have more than I had when I was "winning".<br />
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I also do not carry money, the maximum I carry on a day to day basis is €5, and it now astonishes me how little I need to spend.<br />
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I was also advised also not to read the papers because of the drawing power of the back pages. I don't purchase them, but I do spend a large amount of time perusing electronic media. I love sport and read the sports section keenly along with current affairs. I do not visit the racing section as I have no interest or compulsion to do so.<br />
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I try to be truthful. My default response for years was to lie, it's a hard habit to break but I'll get there.<br />
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I participate in home life, homework, chores, and all the things normal people do, I ignored these for years and isolated myself from them.<br />
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I talk to my wife and tell her how I see things. I spent years internalising and obsessing, now I verbalise and it just makes things simpler.<br />
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I try to live for today, if I obsess about the past I will return to the place of self hate and re ignite all the negative things that were present when I was gambling. If I dwell on the future I will begin to worry and scheme. This is not good for me so I try not to do it.<br />
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I go to GA meetings at least once a week, Wednesdays and Saturdays are when I get my GA medicine. Once a week is not enough for me at the moment as I find my mindset changing if I go too long without listening to others, where they have been and where they are now. There is also the fact that I have never left a GA meeting feeling worse that when I entered it.<br />
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Which step is the most important ?<br />
<br />
I don't know, everyone is different, for me the relief I experienced when I shared my issues with my wife was a paradigm shift. The financial improvements and the subtle behavioural changes I made simply would not have occurred if I had not shared. For others it's admitting powerlessness over gambling, but deep down, I always knew I was powerless.<br />
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I'll never be powerful, but I will be better.<br />
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My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler and I'm stuck with me, but it's better, so much better.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-47752477801732003892013-11-16T03:08:00.001-08:002013-11-16T03:20:14.544-08:00How did I get here ?How does one become a compulsive gambler ? I don't know but here's my story.<br />
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My first memories of betting are as a kid in our village playing pitch and toss. This was a regular enough event in the village, usually a Saturday or Sunday morning where people bet on the resultant toss of 2 coins, the "tosser" traditionally backed 2 heads and threw the coins and he didn't toss until he had someone to oppose the bet. The mechanics are irrelevant but what I now realise is that when I did get involved there was only one of two outcomes for me, win it all or lose it all. I never considered leaving the "toss school" until I was broke or everyone there were broke. My losses would be very small as I was young and 1 or 2 pounds would be my bankroll. The financial aspect to this is largely irrelevant but the mindset I had was already developed at 15 or 16 years old. The dream of "breaking the school" was my only aim and I could not figure out the others who could win a couple of quid and leave or conversely, lose a couple or quid and leave.<br />
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I went through school pretty uneventfully with good results and finished secondary education with a myriad of options regarding further education, and was lucky enough to have a family home that was able to support me in further education, despite it being in the middle of a recession (mid 80's). At the time I didn't realise this ,so off I went, oblivious to my fortune and I can now see that this is where my real obsession began. I spent a lot of time in a snooker club that had poker machines. When others were in college, I was in a dingy club watching a blue screen and listening to the non stop beep, beep, beep of these machines. When I did actually attend college I spent most of my time in a poker school that had formed in the college canteen, again the results were binary, I lost everything, or I won everything. When I say I lost everything, I mean my rent, my food money, my bus money and often hitched the 60 miles home in the rain having not eaten for 2 or 3 days. I regularly invented scenarios that required my parents to send on more cash to keep me funded but saw nothing wrong with it. Manipulation and lies were second nature to me, all to fund my gambling.<br />
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I bombed out of college in third year having failed my exams, somehow I managed to get to this stage without attending lectures or tutorials by virtue of having a good short term memory and the ability to distil the important information from reams of irrelevance, I also have an aptitude for numbers and hence science based subjects were never really a problem for me. It still hadn't dawned on me that the reason I failed was purely and utterly because of gambling, If I had dedicated the huge amounts of time to study that I did to gambling I have no doubt I would have graduated.<br />
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Did I regret this ? No, is the simple answer, I can see now that I was already a compulsive gambler, liar and thief. It's hard to explain but when a gambler reaches this stage he simply doesn't care about the lies, the larceny, the people we deceive and those we hurt the most. We only care about one thing, money for gambling. This troubles me now, as crazy at it seems I had no tolerance for these traits in others, people were either good or bad. No middle ground, no mitigating circumstances, not tolerance for others, but this did not apply to me, I simply did not realise that the things I hated most in others were what I had become.<br />
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My girlfriend and I had a child at this stage and I entered the world of full time employment. My father had a major role in securing me my first job and I was not grateful as this was my entitlement. That's the thing with gamblers, we are entitled to everything. I'm entitled to your money, his money her money and everyone's money. My girlfriend worked and we intended to marry and set up savings accounts to save for our first house, just like everyone else fortunate enough to be in full time employment. I made sure I managed the funds, I made the lodgements, I made the secret withdrawals to give the money to Paddy Powers. I stole from us, I stole from our future. Again, I had no guilt, it was my money, I could do what I wanted with it. One can ask now as to why my girlfriend did not notice and there's a simple answer. She loved me, hence she trusted me and it never occurred to her that the love of her life was a lying thief. Normal people have trust, they don't suspect that the one they love is not like them. Gamblers are not normal, we control, we manage all events to suit our needs, the needs of our addiction.<br />
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We got married, but we could not afford a traditional marriage so we went to exotic climes with a couple of members of my family. I progressed in jobs, earning more but no richer. We built a house, we got a mortgage, we appeared to have the life of a normal couple. All during this time I was gambling, I had loans that my wife knew nothing about, I had credit cards she knew nothing about, I had a life she knew nothing about. I juggled a bank loan, multiple credit cards, credit union loans just to hide my addiction. How is this possible ? I had a good job as I never had issues progressing by virtue of being a hard worker and demonstrated competence. How did I have so many loans ? How did I get credit ? This was simple, I lied, I am an accomplished liar. I also have a hyphenated surname , so if my name is "Compulsive-Gambler", I got loans and credit cards out in the name of "Compulsive" and "Gambler" and "Compulsive Gambler". I got loans out to pay loans, I got credit cards to transfer balances onto, in one case I had 4 cards from the same company, making 4 transfers a month to pay each other. We extended our mortgage term by multiples of what it was originally, I convinced my wife this was necessary, why did she accept ? It's simple, she loved me and accepted what I said.<br />
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Did I love her ? In my mind I loved my wife and child but in reality I did nothing to show it. I stole from our future, I only loved my mistress and she is insatiable, she takes all you have and gives nothing back.<br />
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In case this post is me trying to portray myself as the victim I do not mean it to be. I am not seeking absolution, this is the way things were. This existence continued for years to the point where we are still married but with another little girl and my wife's world has changed utterly.The last few years of my gambling almost killed me and here's why. I stopped getting credit so I had to begin to pay my credit with real money. When I looked at my income versus my commitments they could not be maintained and I concentrated my gambling to achieve the unachievable. I was on Betfair, initially straight betting,but then trading, predicting the price movements and trying to profit as a result.<br />
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For the past 3 or 4 years my life had become unmanageable, and here's how I existed. I came home from work and did not eat, I went to the laptop and turned on the races. I entered "my" room at 5:00 pm and gambled. My wife is a kind, loving person, but I did not interact and our relationship was purely one way, she gave, I took. My kids now had a Dad they didn't know. I was a shell. My mind was full of only the following, money, debts, betting, fear.<br />
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I spent every waking hour thinking of money, thinking of how to get more, I couldn't sleep and didn't go to bed until 4 or 5 in the morning and when I got up at 6:30 the first thing I did was check the account balance. I stood in the shower before work most mornings and cried. I did not cry from self pity, nobody made me do this, I did it, but I did not know how to make it stop. I looked at my wife and all I did was hate, I hated myself because of the love she had for me that I did not deserve. I looked at my kids and hated myself for what I was dong to their lives, their future. I looked in the mirror and then I really hated.<br />
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I decided I would end it, I picked a spot in a wall that I would crash into and die, I have a good job so my wife and kids would be cared for financially, and I knew they would have been better off without me. At this stage it was not the bills, it was not the money, it was that I knew what I had become, a worthless person.<br />
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This is where the gambler kicked back in and I found an out. I begged my brother for money and even manipulated that situation to get him to keep it secret by emotionally blackmailing him. I began attending Gamblers Anonymous for a couple of months and felt better.<br />
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I didn't commit to GA so I used the money my brother had given me to clear debts to gamble again, and I lost it all. Last may I went back to him again for money, he refused money but did not refuse to help. He told my sister because he feared form my mental state, she arranged for me to break this to my wife , they saved my life. I have no doubt that I would be dead now if it hadn't been for this intervention. My wife would be a widow, my kids would be fatherless, and they would not know why.<br />
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I broke down, I told my wife of my sins, of the lies, the theft, the person I had become. Her response to being told that 20 years of her life had been a lie was "We'll get through this". I still cannot understand this unconditional love for another, would I have been so forgiving ? I unburdened my sins and a weight lifted from me, I had actually told the truth for the first time in as long as I can remember.<br />
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So what happens next ? I obviously have a huge financial burden that I cannot manage so I went to MABS and they acted as intermediaries between me and my creditors. I will pay them but it will take 8 or 9 years.<br />
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I went back to GA and still go, I'm going in 45 minutes to today's meeting. I am learning that I'm not alone in my issues. I'm a gambler but I'm not gambling today and have not gambled for 6 months. My life is unrecognisable, I spend time with my wife and kids, not with betfair. I'm learning how to love, both others and myself. I don't obsess about money, about debts. I don't spend all day every day in a shroud of fear, loathing and angst. I don't want to die.<br />
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I am not a good person and have done horrible things to those that love me the most. All is not rosy, my default personality is not nice after 25 years of lies and deceit. I am learning to change, I am trying to mature.<br />
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I still obsess about whether gambling is an addiction or if this is just a convenient get out of jail card, and perhaps I'll never know.<br />
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I do know that if I attend GA meetings I will not bet, I can atone and become what I hope I can be, someone who can laugh and cry, love and hate, and create rather than destroy. I don't know why these meetings work and I don't care.<br />
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I do know if I stop going I will gamble, I will lie and steal, I will hate and I will decay, and then I will die.<br />
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My name is Paddy and I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post, and I'm still here.<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/" target="_blank">Gamblers anonymous website</a><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-91965522933037758942013-11-13T05:03:00.002-08:002013-11-13T05:03:32.550-08:00New BLOG to VisitHello, I have just added a link to a new BLOG that covers a similar subject matter to mine, please drop in and have a look.<br />
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<a href="http://niallmcnamee7.blogspot.ie/">http://niallmcnamee7.blogspot.ie/</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-88497028566487152422013-11-12T06:06:00.000-08:002013-11-12T06:06:14.852-08:00It aint all that bad.My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.<br />
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When I read back through this BLOG it strikes me that it can be interpreted as one long tale of woe and misery. This is simply not true.<br />
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I post when I feel I need to, when I'm suspicious about myself, my behaviours and my thought patterns.<br />
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I don't post when things are good, when life is not overcomplicated or I'm happy. This is most of the time, the last 6 months have been an awakening for me. Sure, I still have bad days but the good ones far outnumber the bad ones and I think it's important for me to state that. Not Gambling has given me a perspective on life and myself that I couldn't have thought possible.<br />
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Here's some of the positives,<br />
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I don't wake up every day full of fear and dread.<br />
I am building real relationships with the people that really count.<br />
Every day is not a day I wish I don't exist.<br />
I don't feel the need to lie at every opportunity.<br />
I am learning how real relationships work.<br />
I don't try to manipulate everything I do to suit my means.<br />
I am in the process of reclaiming my life.<br />
I still have the same insecurities and crazy thought processes but now I recognise them for what they are.<br />
I am building a sense of self worth, and by learning to value myself I am valuing others.<br />
I am a human being that has all the frailties of every human being.<br />
I want to live.<br />
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My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, but hey, it aint all that bad.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-28848687575984361702013-11-07T03:21:00.000-08:002013-11-07T10:38:58.282-08:00There's none so blind as those that cannot seeHello my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post.<br />
<br />
I attended a GA meeting last night, on the way I was questioning the relevance of these meets as my thought process has recently changed regarding my "addiction".<br />
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They way they usually work is someone is nominated to be the chairperson for the night and speaks about their experiences and feelings, thoughts and actions. It sounds cosy and a bit questionable but as the meeting progressed the relevance of it became more and more apparent to me.<br />
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Not for the first time the thread of the meeting seemed focussed on the very questions I had been asking myself recently, regarding the question of powerlessness and abdication of responsibility, self justification and self pity. The structure was quite unusual in that the sharers (cosy term for contributors) followed a clockwise pattern round the table. Three previous speakers articulated their mindset, and their observations on their journey. It's an eclectic mix comprised of the young, the old, the brave and the bold, all different, all the same. These are people who have been dealing with their issues a lot longer than me so acquired wisdom should apply rather than inexperienced insights.<br />
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For some reason they all referred to the stage of their journey that I am at now as one of the most dangerous. The honeymoon period, the one whereby you convince yourself that the reason you gamble is as a result of your odious character, that you are now cured, that it's not really an illness. When one referred to the fact that this "addiction" is the only one that convinces you that you don't have it, it struck me, that's me this week. I bored you with it yesterday and I still think it today.<br />
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Whether they or wrong or I am wrong is irrelevant, what really matters is that based on what I heard at the meeting I am now at a point of reasoning that these people were at before, and they returned to betting and gambling. No one told me what to do, or think, but I heard of the consequences of their "return to action" and the resultant desolation, and the rapid descent to rock bottom.<br />
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Rock bottom is a personal place, for some it is homelessness, for others it is loneliness and self hatred, for some it manifests itself in illegal activities, for me its a world devoid of hope, no will to wake up , no will to love, a mind that contracts so fast that I don't want to exist. I've been there and I don't want to return. I struggle to accept helplessness, addiction, but I now know that if I attend a meeting I feel better in my skin. I can live with that, I'm not sure I can live with the other.<br />
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My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post, but that means fuck all.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-26619739831408258442013-11-05T05:56:00.002-08:002013-11-05T05:56:11.646-08:006 months onHello my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler,I haven't had a bet today or since my last post.<br />
<br />
In fact I haven't had a bet in over 6 month now and my world is a different place. I still spend an inordinate amount of time over analysing myself and every little thing that occurs in my tiny universe.<br />
<br />
I revisited Gamblers Anonymous just over 6 month ago, broken and bewildered. It was a massive step in continuing my existence and empowered me to deal with the bumps on the road I encounter as part of everyday life.<br />
<br />
The first step in the process is an acceptance that one is powerless over gambling and all that is needed to attend is a common desire to stop gambling. I admitted and subscribed and my life is better. I owe money, but I don't hate the world I inhabit, I don't hate myself or everything that surrounds me.<br />
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Whilst acknowledging the powerlessness was cathartic for me 6 months my thought process simply doesn't accept this abdication of responsibility any more. Every bet I placed, every penny I wasted and every destructive thought and action I initiated was NOT as a result of some irresistible external force, it was an action I knowingly took and disregarded the consequences.<br />
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They were the actions of a selfish being, and although I can try to convince myself otherwise through the adoption of the "powerless" defence I know this is not true.<br />
<br />
I am the person who made those decisions, and that side of me is still there, dormant, but ready to reappear without notice. I can no longer blame external influences for my odious shortcomings, but I can now see there is another path, the one that the vast majority of people follow every day of their lives, it's called normality, or decency.<br />
<br />
I despise people who are incapable of accepting personal responsibility, ergo, I despise the me that destroys. I cannot hide from me, I can recognise what and who I am, and only I can decide who I will eventually become. The choice is mine, I am not powerless, I am cowardly and immature, but I don't have to be.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.independent.ie/opinion/columnists/ian-odoherty/ian-odoherty-you-are-what-you-eat-stop-eating-idiots-then-29709067.html" target="_blank">Ian O' Doherty gets it right, again.</a><br />
<br />
Anyway, my name is Paddy, and I'm a compulsive excuse seeker, but I can fix that.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-19934114013477498902013-09-18T09:52:00.001-07:002013-09-18T09:53:26.205-07:00Are you having a laugh ?<br />
Just got below comment and it shows I must not be able to deliver the message of this Blog<br />
<b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">"hello, i am betfair full-time trader since 4 years and since short time i started to trade for customers with a ROI of 35% per month on average. If you are interested to join me or share trading views dont hesitate add me in msn **********@hotmail.fr or mail me in that adress. good luck on </span><a href="http://betfair2ga.blogspot.com/2013/09/betting-is-not-issue.html" style="border: 0px; cursor: pointer; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">Betting is not the issue</a>"</span></b><br />
<br />
Either is is some poor misguided lunatic offering to help me beat my compulsions or it's someone with a great sense of humour.<br />
<br />
I knew how to trade, I knew the mechanics, but the biggest part of trading was not the mechanics, it was the correct mindset, the ability to cut and lose, the ability to remain emotionally sterile and stable, and if anyone has read previous post they would realise that emotional stability is not one of my stronger points, akin to saying that Hitler wasn't really a nice guy.<br />
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The other thing that is slowly returning to me is the ability to find humour in things that would have made me very angry before, the above comment is a case in point, sometimes you gotta laugh, just laugh, but definitely not gamble.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-51200396331644766302013-09-17T05:57:00.000-07:002013-09-17T05:57:05.405-07:00Betting is not the issueMe again, still a compulsive gambler, still have not had a bet since my last post.<br />
<br />
Positives, and green shoots as Dave commented in the previous post. I do not feel compulsions to bet as one might imagine.<br />
Betting compulsions are not what drives my character defects, it is the converse. I manifest my defects by betting and use it as a vehicle of destruction and hide myself away from the real world by entering the fantasy world of gambling.<br />
I have many issues that I have managed to dismiss over a 30 year period, a lot of them in common within our group at GA. Talking to others about how we think, how we rationalize and how we behave causes us to realise that we are not unique, the issues we encounter are not specific to us alone, we are just poorly equipped to deal with them, unable to recognise that we have to approach and deal with them in a manner similar to 99% of mankind.<br />
We are emotionally immature and underdeveloped for whatever reason, I cannot point to a difficult past or childhood, I cannot point to years of abuse or deprivation, I can however identify my inadequacies and learn to deal with them with the tools I am slowly awakening to.<br />
I have a choice, my natural disposition is to focus on the past and my failings, that leads to depression, I can obsess about the future but that will lead to stress. I can live in the now and that will result in me focussing on whatever is actually relevant and not what may or may not happen, and, just for today I will not gamble.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-45395924408731793732013-09-07T15:20:00.003-07:002013-09-07T15:20:40.412-07:00The best of times, the worst of times.My little voice has returned and the honeymoon is in danger of ending.<br />
<br />
The facts are in normal font and <span style="color: red;"><b>my inner voice is in red</b></span>. I am not justifying or trying to explain it, it's just how my "brain" works, and I fucking hate it.<br />
<br />
My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler and have not had a bet since my last post, and that's a fact.<br />
<br />
<br />
I have handed management of all finances to my wife.<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">You are too much of an incompetent idiot to be trusted.</span></b><br />
<br />
I have reached acceptable financial repayment terms with all my creditors.<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">You are incapable of even the most basic life skills.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b>
My eldest daughter has managed to get a funding to do a PhD.<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">She doesn't need you any more, in fact she never did.</span></b><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My wife has blossomed now that I don't try to dictate her thoughts, her actions and everything else in our relationship towards my goals .<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">She doesn't need you any more, let her go, she'd be better off.</span></b> </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
My youngest daughter is bright, witty and beautiful, now that the tension that accompanied my gambling has left the house .<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">She'd always have been better off if you w</span></b><b><span style="color: red;">eren't there.</span></b><br />
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The last 4 months have been the most serene I can remember.<br />
<span style="color: red;"><b>What the fuck have you ever done to deserve serenity? You don't deserve hope, you don't deserve happiness, you fuck things up, you always do and you always will, do it now, you know you will eventually. You're a worthless peace of shit that poisons anything near you, don't kid yourself, you WILL fuck it up, you know you will. Why wait, do it now, DO IT NOW,<span style="font-size: large;">DO IT NOW, </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">DO IT NOW, DO IT NOW.NOBODY WANTS YOU, NOBODY NEEDS YOU, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE THEM ALONE, THEY ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU.</span></b></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></b></span>
My head is about to explode, my hands are shaking, but I will prevail, the good me, it has to be in there somewhere, I feel nauseous, I feel weary, but just for today I will not gamble, just for today I will beat this bastard down, just for today. As for tomorrow, I hope it's better.<br />
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My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, and I'm struggling.<br />
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-73819259659589372332013-08-05T10:35:00.000-07:002013-08-05T10:35:07.088-07:00One day at a timePertinent comment on the previous post. One day at a time, very true. Part of my problem with this is my job requires me to plan in detail for multiple scenarios. That's the way I think and always have done, I'm a planner, but this program requires me to take one day at a time, bit of a conflict there.<br />
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I need to start compartmentalising my addiction and try to keep a different mindset than what is required in my professional life. If I cannot do that, then I need to consider my choice of profession. Sounds ridiculous, but when ones mind is programmed to think and analyse on a continuous basis it is exceedingly difficult to try to stop analysing at will. There you go, the Mr Kipling of self analysis, that's me. Exceedingly fucked up.<br />
<br />
My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-39381681105054298992013-07-27T00:50:00.002-07:002013-07-27T00:50:39.875-07:00The devil makes work for idle hands.My wife and kids went on a ladies expedition last night, getting schoolware 6 weeks in advance, so I stayed at home. Alone time started at 5:30 pm and it was a long, long evening.<br />
<br />
Introspection began and a fidgety mindset kicked in.<br />
<br />
It's quite strange really, when I was gambling the only thing I sought was solitude, and I always found it on the sofa, in the front room with the laptop and television on some sporting event or At the Races. I did this for years, a hermit in a bubble of angst and despair. I only emerged to smoke and shit, manufacture a verbal skirmish, and then return to my refuge.<br />
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The other place I found solitude in the past was the bookies, even if full of people, it's full of empty people, alone, no one speaks, just a casual grunt of recognition, and then back into the mental foxhole, watch the races, lose more, feel ones spirit ebb like a spring tide, the last race signifying the last bet, the nadir, and the imminent journey home that I hoped would never end.<br />
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Now I fear solitude, I hate being alone for too long and 4 hours is too long for me at the moment. I sat down and flicked the remote, ended up on At the Races within 4 channel changes, as my default channel was 415 for years, I dwelt on it for about 30 seconds and moved on. That's all it took, 30 seconds and I wanted to bet, I wanted to fire up this laptop and have a bet. The urge passed and I moved on. It's the first urge to bet I've had in some weeks and it was easy to deny. It was easy to deny because I carry no money, I have a Visa Debit card, but that is for a joint account that has the exact quantity needed for monthly bills and debt repayment with a small surplus for use in case of emergency. My wife puts the rest into an account that only she has access to, and I'm so glad. It's easy not to bet with no money.<br />
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It's hard to recognise the fuck up I've become, I can't even be trusted to function as a proper human should. I'm in need of an operating system change, an upgrade from Wanker 9.0 to Decent human being 1.0.<br />
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I try to give myself some succour by recognising that I am trying to change 25 years of behaviour in a couple of months and that's difficult. It's also bullshit.<br />
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I'm a compulsive gambler, that makes me a liar, a thief, a derelict husband, a derelict father, a derelict son and brother, a narcissistic prick that made the world revolve about himself for 25 years. I say I'm all the above because I'm a compulsive gambler, but deep down I rally think I'm a compulsive gambler because I'm all of the above. Chicken and egg, but the egg is rotten.<br />
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My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I still have not had a bet today or since my last post, I'm still sick.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-78442520746561110072013-07-12T01:12:00.000-07:002013-07-12T01:12:03.847-07:00Risk and reward.I've always associated risk and reward as inseparable as yin and yang, as Cheech and Chong, or as The Fonz and latent homosexuality.<br />
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The rewards I envisaged as long as I can remember were always grandiose and fantastical, the castle in the sky, infinite wealth, eternal happiness, yada, yada, yada.<br />
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Rewards can be small, but significant.<br />
<br />
Waking up in the morning without a shroud of dread and despair is a reward.<br />
Looking at my wife and kids without the angst of deceit is a reward.<br />
Re establishing relationships with my family is a reward.<br />
Starting a financial plan is a reward, the duration is long, but the load is bearable.<br />
Looking in the mirror and noticing I need to shave, rather than needing to self immolate is a reward.<br />
Not dreading the postman is a reward.<br />
Being able to think without the entropic distractions of mental chaos is a reward.<br />
Taking a day off to spend with my brother, father or youngest is a reward.<br />
Closing a post to this blog with a smile of contentment, rather than a tear of desperation is a reward,<br />
<br />
My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6647988297757094376.post-10629189868031388422013-06-30T03:31:00.001-07:002013-11-07T10:41:47.814-08:00All or nothingOne of the definitions of a mature person in the gamblers anonymous handbook is that we have got past the stage where everything is categorized as "All or nothing".<br />
<br />
This time 3 months ago I made a conscious rational(?) decision that the money I had available to me would either finish me with gambling or finish me. I decided that I would make back all I had lost through a carefully managed strategy or I would kill myself, simple as that. The money lasted a few days, and followed the path of all the money before. The fact that I am posting here today is not proof that my brilliant scheme worked, or that that the internet exists in the afterlife, merely the fact I crawled back to GA.<br />
<br />
I know how I was going to self destruct, I picked the wall on the route home, the only thing that bothered me was the fact that when the accident investigators reported I hadn't had a safety belt on all insurance would have been null and void. My plan then was to fray the seat belt in an inconspicuous place so that when 16 stones of shit was catapulted at 90 mph it would fail, and I would be no more.<br />
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Was that rock bottom ? I hope so, I don't want to get lower, the scariest place I can think of is despair, it's not a defined location, it's nowhere, it's everywhere.<br />
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The reason I didn't do it is because I'm a coward, and this simply wasn't the easiest way out. This is a recurring theme at my bi weekly meetings, all of us refer to the fact that we saw gambling as an easy means to making money, success and more pertinently, happiness. All of us seek happiness, not smiley, happy, happiness, we covet internal happiness. The lack of self esteem (warranted ?) permeates the atmosphere, we take pride in each other's accomplishments but never our own. We begin each monologue by staring at the floor, we say "my name is XXXX" and the we glaze over, speak, sometimes good things, often bad things, and we are so similar, the way we think, the way we hate, the way we struggle to love, the things we have done, the things we haven't done, we are all one and the same, like tendrils of a giant hidden organism of fear, loathing and disgust. These meetings are not self pitying, the fact we are here is proof that we don't lean on that crutch any more, we're trying to understand ourselves, we expose our worst deeds and fears, we tell of the good things, but most of all we are proof that survival is possible, redemption is an aspiration, we need each other to remind ourselves that not only are good things possible but that despair, destruction and annihilation are only one bet away. That's all, one bet.<br />
<br />
I drove home from Friday night's meeting via the route I had earmarked for my end, I slowed down, safety belt on and drove past, tears vision clouded my vision, I went home and went to bed. One bet Paddy, that's all it takes.<br />
<br />
My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post, it's a beautiful day, I'm off to the match.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06551690229471434224noreply@blogger.com2