Just so you know
When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.
Monday, 11 June 2012
We do not indulge in self-pity and begun to feel the laws of compensation operating in all life.
This is the second part of the definition of a mature person. Once again, I fail the criteria above. I have a massive tendency to look for some stupid excuse to blame my "misfortune" on anything but myself. Why me ? Why does it happen to me?
Shit happens for no reason, that's life and if I didn't place the bet in the first place I wouldn't have any misfortune to rue.
I am actually in work now, and had to make a post as I am feeling none to well after last night's guinness. I went online to have a look at the indo (against company policy as is this) and suddenly realised was looking at the racing section. Next step, the sporting life site and then, then, here we go again.
I opened this post instead and took out the little red book. One nil to me, very easy to subconsciously revisit old ground.
I only really noticed how much we Irish absorb betting into every sporting event last night, the pre match pub wisdom was exclusively about the betting, 4/1 Ireland not to score a goal all tournament, first goalscorers etc.
I didn't feel uncomfortable with the subject matter nor exclude myself from the discussion, it would have been hard as EVERYBODY was talking about the betting. It is omnipresent in our culture but strangely less important in most other European countries, with the obvious exception of England. Why is this I wonder ? What is in our psyche to have it so important in everything we do?
I actually enjoyed the banter and watched the game with a sense of disappointment rather than dread, like a normal person, only a fucked up one.
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"I don't drink anymore (not in 5/6 weeks) as I get dark and nasty, and try to hurt anyone that is dear to me (not physically) and recede into bouts of self loathing and blackness deep in my psyche, not nice in there I can tell you."ReplyDelete
Mmm, contradictions abound, quite true Mr Cassini, I have returned to imbibing a few but not anywhere in the volumes I used to. If I feel a "mood" coming on, I stop, but the company I keep when I do drink is carefully chosen so that gollum doesn't arrive.ReplyDelete