Just so you know

When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Are you having a laugh ?

Just got below comment and it shows I must not be able to deliver the message of this Blog

"hello, i am betfair full-time trader since 4 years and since short time i started to trade for customers with a ROI of 35% per month on average. If you are interested to join me or share trading views dont hesitate add me in msn **********@hotmail.fr or mail me in that adress. good luck on Betting is not the issue"

Either is is some poor misguided lunatic offering to help me beat my compulsions or it's someone with a great sense of humour.

I knew how to trade, I knew the mechanics, but the biggest part of trading was not the mechanics, it was the correct mindset, the ability to cut and lose, the ability to remain emotionally sterile and stable, and if anyone has read previous post they would realise that emotional stability is not one of my stronger points, akin to saying that Hitler wasn't really a nice guy.

The other thing that is slowly returning to me is the ability to find humour in things that would have made me very angry before, the above comment is a case in point, sometimes you gotta laugh, just laugh, but definitely not gamble.

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Betting is not the issue

Me again, still a compulsive gambler, still have not had a bet since my last post.

Positives, and green shoots as Dave commented in the previous post. I do not feel compulsions to bet as one might imagine.
Betting compulsions are not what drives my character defects, it is the converse. I manifest my defects by betting and use it as a vehicle of destruction and hide myself away from the real world by entering the fantasy world of gambling.
I have many issues that I have managed to dismiss over a 30 year period, a lot of them in common within our group at GA. Talking to others about how we think, how we rationalize and how we behave causes us to realise that we are not unique, the issues we encounter are not specific to us alone, we are just poorly equipped to deal with them, unable to recognise that we have to approach and deal with them in a manner similar to 99% of mankind.
We are emotionally immature and underdeveloped for whatever reason, I cannot point to a difficult past or childhood, I cannot point to years of abuse or deprivation, I can however identify my inadequacies and learn to deal with them with the tools I am slowly awakening to.
I have a choice, my natural disposition is to focus on the past and my failings, that leads to depression, I can obsess about the future but that will lead to stress. I can live in the now and that will result in me focussing on whatever is actually relevant and not what may or may not happen, and, just for today I will not gamble.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

The best of times, the worst of times.

My little voice has returned and the honeymoon is in danger of ending.

The facts are in normal font and my inner voice is in red. I am not justifying or trying to explain it, it's just how my "brain" works, and I fucking hate it.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler and have not had a bet since my last post, and that's a fact.

I have handed management of all finances to my wife.
You are too much of an incompetent idiot to be trusted.

I have reached acceptable financial repayment terms with all my creditors.
You are incapable of even the most basic life skills.

My eldest daughter has managed to get a funding to do a PhD.
She doesn't need you any more, in fact she never did.

My wife has blossomed now that I don't try to dictate her thoughts, her actions and everything else in our relationship towards my goals .
She doesn't need you any more, let her go, she'd be better off. 

My youngest daughter is bright, witty and beautiful, now that the tension that accompanied my gambling has left the house .
She'd always have been better off if you weren't there.

The last 4 months have been the most serene I can remember.
What the fuck have you ever done to deserve serenity? You don't deserve hope, you don't deserve happiness, you fuck things up, you always do and you always will, do it now, you know you will eventually. You're a worthless peace of shit that poisons anything near you, don't kid yourself, you WILL fuck it up, you know you will. Why wait, do it now, DO IT NOW,DO IT NOW, DO IT NOW, DO IT NOW.NOBODY WANTS YOU, NOBODY NEEDS YOU, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE THEM ALONE, THEY ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU.

My head is about to explode, my hands are shaking, but I will prevail, the good me, it has to be in there somewhere, I feel nauseous, I feel weary, but just for today I will not gamble, just for today I will beat this bastard down, just for today. As for tomorrow, I hope it's better.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, and I'm struggling.