Hi, my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.
In fact, it is now a month, and more significantly 2 pay days since I had a bet. How is all the anguish and hardship of not having a bet? This past week contained neither anguish or temptation, so good in fact I was even questioning if I really have an issue.
I didn't attend the Gamblers Anonymous (GA) meeting this week as I had some other things to deal with, notably chaos in work and my eldest daughter needed some support on a small issue, (big to her, but not the end of the world).
I was reflecting on both the ease of the past week (from a not betting sense) and my absence from the GA meeting and actually beginning to question if I really have a major issue, 'cos if I can do it for a month then I can surely start having a small bank to trade with and control it like I have done for the month past. I was actually starting to believe this shit so I went back and read my first post, it didn't take long t relive the anguish, terror and despair.
I have also just realised I haven't watched a horse race live for a month, I did watch a replay of the derby, (good horse, poor race) but that was it. Strangely enough, I haven't met or gone for a pint with my erstwhile best mate, I think now the major thing we had in common was the horses and punting. Nice guy, but when I consider his behaviour objectively I think he may not be too far away from my current stage. I was at church recently and visited the grave of another recently departed mate of mine, suicide was the verdict but nobody knew why, I do, and I don't want to be beside him, so, regardless if the worm in my head, telling me it will be OK to just have a small bank and start again I cannot slip.
I think the absence of the GA meeting has allowed the miasma of gambling and twisted logic to creep in. I have a small issue with the meetings in that they are a torrent of negative emotion and self loathing, and in there own way kinda create a reliance on the attendee to become addicted to their content and sense of belonging. I feel there is an onerous source of self loathing present but, is that my little worm trying to turn me away from what has worked for a month ? Not too sure, but I need to be very careful.
The biggest issue in my life now is that I haven't come clean to my wife or other members of my family regarding my addiction, and the longer I leave it run the bigger the lie will be. We have had an artificially good month, no spontaneous rows (ALWAYS caused by me) and I feel my impending bombshell with cause untold damage to our relationship. I really don't know what to do, or more importantly when to do.
Anyway, 16th May was a paradigm shift in my life, but it is only the first step. The challenges that lie ahead are scary, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to face it.
Thanks to all the members of the betting blogging community (I used to be one of them) who have directed traffic to this blog, the strange thing is this blog is getting more hits than my previous one with less traffic sources, a little scary I think.
Cassini, enjoy the holiday.
My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gabler, and I'm still a lying deceitful prick, how much has actually changed ?