Just so you know

When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.

Sunday, 17 June 2012

One month in - How's it going ?

Hi, my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.

In fact, it is now a month, and more significantly 2 pay days since I had a bet. How is all the anguish and hardship of not having a bet? This past week contained neither anguish or temptation, so good in fact I was even questioning if I really have an issue.

I didn't attend the Gamblers Anonymous (GA) meeting this week as I had some other things to deal with, notably chaos in work and my eldest daughter needed some support on a small issue, (big to her, but not the end of the world).

I was reflecting on both the ease of the past week (from a not betting sense) and my absence from the GA meeting and actually beginning to question if I really have a major issue, 'cos if I can do it for a month then I can surely start having a small bank to trade with and control it like I have done for the month past. I was actually starting to believe this shit so I went back and read my first post, it didn't take long t relive the anguish, terror and despair.

I have also just realised I haven't watched a horse race live for a month, I did watch a replay of the derby, (good horse, poor race) but that was it. Strangely enough, I haven't met or gone for a pint with my erstwhile best mate, I think now the major thing we had in common was the horses and punting. Nice guy, but when I consider his behaviour objectively I think he may not be too far away from my current stage. I was at church recently and visited the grave of another recently departed mate of mine, suicide was the verdict but nobody knew why, I do, and I don't want to be beside him, so, regardless if the worm in my head, telling me it will be OK to just have a small bank and start again I cannot slip.

I think the absence of the GA meeting has allowed the miasma of gambling and twisted logic to creep in. I have a small issue with the meetings in that they are a torrent of negative emotion and self loathing, and in there own way kinda create a reliance on the attendee to become addicted to their content and sense of belonging. I feel there is an onerous source of self loathing present but, is that my little worm trying to turn me away from what has worked for a month ? Not too sure, but I need to be very careful.

The biggest issue in my life now is that I haven't come clean to my wife or other members of my family regarding my addiction, and the longer I leave it run the bigger the lie will be. We have had an artificially good month, no spontaneous rows (ALWAYS caused by me) and I feel my impending bombshell with cause untold damage to our relationship. I really don't know what to do, or more importantly when to do.

Anyway, 16th May was a paradigm shift in my life, but it is only the first step. The challenges that lie ahead are scary, I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to face it.

Thanks to all the members of the betting blogging community (I used to be one of them) who have directed traffic to this blog, the strange thing is this blog is getting more hits than my previous one with less traffic sources, a little scary I think.

Cassini, enjoy the holiday.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gabler, and I'm still a lying deceitful prick, how much has actually changed ?

Monday, 11 June 2012

We do not indulge in self-pity and begun to feel the laws of compensation operating in all life.

This is the second part of the definition of a mature person. Once again, I fail the criteria above. I have a massive tendency to look for some stupid excuse to blame my "misfortune" on anything but myself. Why me ? Why does it happen to me?
Shit happens for no reason, that's life and if I didn't place the bet in the first place I wouldn't have any misfortune to rue.

I am actually in work now, and had to make a post as I am feeling none to well after last night's guinness. I went online to have a look at the indo (against company policy as is this) and suddenly realised  was looking at the racing section. Next step, the sporting life site and then, then, here we go again.

I opened this post instead and took out the little red book. One nil to me, very easy to subconsciously revisit old ground.

I only really noticed how much we Irish absorb betting into every sporting event last night, the pre match pub wisdom was exclusively about the betting, 4/1 Ireland not to score a goal all tournament, first goalscorers etc.

I didn't feel uncomfortable with the subject matter nor exclude myself from the discussion, it would have been hard as EVERYBODY was talking about the betting. It is omnipresent in our culture but strangely less important in most other European countries, with the obvious exception of England. Why is this I wonder ? What is in our psyche to have it so important in everything we do?

I actually enjoyed the banter and watched the game with a sense of disappointment rather than dread, like a normal person, only a fucked up one.

Euro 2012 - We are crap

Pretty sick this morning as I stayed out too late after the Croatia game than was sensible.

It is actually quite strange watching a game without any financial consequences. Much more fun for me, Ireland were just not good enough, and can anyone please tell me what does Robbie Keane contribute ?

Not a bad weekend, didn't win or lose anything but maybe got a little more relaxed about stuff in general. I usually like to paint a picture of anguish and woe, but in all honesty no urges and perhaps it's time to attribute a little personal accountability, I did the stupid things, no one made me do it, get on with the consequences.

Now I need to come up with a master plan on how to beat Spain, maybe some sugar in the diesel tank of their bus ?

Sunday, 10 June 2012

1 We accept criticism gratefully, being honestly glad for an opportunity to improve.

Hello, my name is Paddy, I am a compulsive gambler, I have had no bet today or since my last post.

Thanks to those who left comments of support yesterday. Life is kinda funny sometimes and other times less so. I have posted updates on my previous BLOG at similar times to this with rants and rancour about every possible subject, usually after staying up most of the night and finding some way to lose a shed load of cash.

One commentator mentioned the success of walking past a bookie, that was never an issue as my "bookie" is the instrument I am typing on now. I used to sit watching sport, all forms of sport all non working hours with my laptop open (on youtube, or some other innocuous site) waiting for an opportunity to make a fortune  and display my superior sporting knowledge. I often did, and then blew it on race 10 in Belmont 20 minutes later.

I am only awake now because of the fact I collected my daughter from nights and had an espresso while waiting, so that is progress. I am not tied up in waves of anguish and nausea after another night of fuckology, just wide awake and bored shitless. Rather than surf the net (too early to be looking for free porn) I am reading the little red GA handbook and addressing some  of the content.

For the few days I'm concentrating on "the definition of a mature person".

1 We accept criticism gratefully, being honestly glad for an opportunity to improve.

My response, I do in my arse. I am always right and consider myself highly intelligent.

I think it is part of the defence mechanism that evolves in a gamblers warped psyche, because if we started to value the insights and observations of others as per our behaviour it would remove the delusion that our behaviour is normal. It is not normal to know the odds on every market pre match, it is not normal to be able to predict the prices in running based on a variety of circumstances. It is not normal to know that Pivotals (sire) excel on soft ground. It is not normal to know that Dandy Nichol's strike rate for top weights in Handicaps between March and August is almost zero, but from August on they strike with alarming regularity. It is not normal to know the percentage of goals a given team scores or concedes in the last 15 minutes of a  game before the fucking game even starts. This is my "expertise", indeed my omniscience often amazes me, this is how I bore the shit out of my "mates" quoting every price possible while their eyes glaze over as all I can talk about are the fucking prices of everything.

True that saying, I know the price of everything but the value of nothing.

I have "mates" in inverted commas as I have managed to surround myself over the years with people that suit my condition. This is back to the criticism issue, my mates are either compulsive gamblers like me or people who don't care enough about me to offer criticism, however warranted. We are comfortable in our bubble of self destruction knowing that if we lose it is not our fault, it's the ref, the jockey, the guy that drove the horse box or the fucker that watered the track. The fault will always lie elsewhere, never with us.

I have a relatively close family by many standards, but as a gambler I have managed to distance myself from them, it's a deliberate insidious process that begins almost subliminally and culminates in a sterile "relationship". Why, I don't want criticism, I want distance because deep down somewhere I know my personality and addiction has turned me into someone who doesn't really give a fuck about anyone else or their lives, all I care about is the next bet, the next way to lose money. I have emotional indigestion, I cannot listen to peoples issues or problems, highs or lows because all I care about the the next race, the next match, the next penalty or the next dwarf snot rolling competition. I have even become jealous of their successes and achievements, things I should revel in, but, as it highlights my own inadequacies I become cynical instead of proud. I'm a twenty first century gollum, I'm obsessed by myself and all my precious goals.

These traits are abhorrent in other people yet I have evolved to represent all these things. I have to learn to feel emotions again, to love, to hate (that's not an issue) and to accept things for what they are. Sanguinity (is that a real word ?) is my new goal, if someone tells me some home truths I must listen, I am not cleverer than everyone else, I am not wise, I am not insightful, I need to redevelop some emotions, I need to accept others for what they are, I need to grow again.

I have considered these things in the past, the difference this morning is I am not lost in a well of self pity, crying incessantly, I am merely stating facts, I have to accept what I am, not why I am.
One of the great quotes I heard recently was, "if you spend all your time looking back, you will never look forward". That was stated by the great philosopher Dot Cotton on Eastenders.

ps, I'm really looking forward to the Ireland game tonight, I don't know the odds, I don't know the prices of the first /second/ last goalscorer and at this moment I don't fucking care. I just want to watch it with all the others and scream like an idiot, not because I have just lost another wedge of money,  just because it'll be fun.

Feel free to help me or criticise me, I will ignore you but at least I'm trying. Sorry about the train of thought and lack of structure of the above post, it's 8 am and I'm full of caffeine and hope, quite a potent mix.

Anyway, my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have fucked up my life, now I'm going to fix it.

Friday, 8 June 2012


Hello, my name is Paddy, and I'm a compulsive gambler.

I am a middle aged corporate monkey that has finally realised that my life is dominated by the most destructive of mistresses, gambling addiction. Why a mistresses ? She seduces me daily, I obsess with her, I know I shouldn't but have proven powerless to resist and the consequences of our relationship are disastrous and destructive.

I have been gambling via one form or another for over 30 years and my earliest memory of gambling is a tidy win for small sums on a horse called Meladon (I think) at our local track. Local for me is Waterford, Ireland.

The next fond memory I have is Party Politics winning the grand national,  why select him ? He was the biggest horse in the race with the biggest fences.

My life has been linked with gambling consistently since I was about 18 to May 16th this year, so that's a 25 year affair, longer than most relationships. I have not had a bet today or since May 16th this year when I attended my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I had finally reached what I hope was rock bottom and reached out to my brother for help, which was immediately forthcoming.

As a gambler I have managed over the years to distance myself from normal relationships with friends and family as one's life is one of subterfuge, deceit and lies to both oneself and those we "love". I have "love" in inverted commas because we have a perverted sense of love and our treatment of those close to us would indicate that we are incapable of real love. Back to the point, I reached out to my brother (who lives far, far away) for help when I was at an emotional nadir, having closed my laptop, beaten and broke. From a financial perspective I am in deep, deep trouble, but I feel that can be addressed over time, from an emotional perspective I am also in deep, deep trouble as highlighted by the content of my cry for help below. I have removed names and references to preserve anonymity but nothing else is altered.



I'm writing this to you in hope more than expectancy. Over the last  *****  years I started gambling again, on a serious level and have managed to hit the bottom of the barrel faster and in a bigger sense than any way I have managed previously. Long story short I have managed to fuck up myself good and proper at last. To be honest (contradiction for a person that lies from morning to evening) I don't really care about myself, or I wouldn’t be in this situation, but I'm here and the gravity of it has finally hit me.

I will probably lose all, as in family and deservedly so, as I don't think  *****  or the kids will be able to forgive me when the inevitable truth surfaces. I also think they would be better off without me in the long run (I don't mean to suggest anything sinister as I have considered all options that would leave them financially independent but cannot guarantee it, and I was always a coward anyway).I haven't got to the stage yet whereby all is gone but without intervention or help it's just about here.

Why you ? Why am I doing the begging bowl  ? The reason is that you are not here, If you were I couldn't face you, all I see is you and what you have become and have achieved.
I see it with  ***** , and  *****  and they deserve it and if possible I will avoid them and anyone like them. It's a fom of jealousy but I think you have known that for a couple of years now, it's not a jealousy of posessions or wealth, it's a jealousy of the type of people you guys have become, successful and more importanly , obviously happy.  I should be like that for my family, parents and you guys but all the time in your company , yours,  ***** , Mam and Dad's I know what I am and more importantly what I'm not.

Ye are everything I should be, you don’t spend every waking hour unable to show true feelings for those that really matter, you don't lie from sun up to sundown, you don't deprive your wife and kids of what they should have because you are too weak and selfish to provide as a proper adult should. You don’t spend years slowly alienating the only people that matter because you wont face the glaring truth about your own inadaquecies and selfish, self destructive behaviour. You are not embarrassed to be in the company of family or friends because you know deep down, that they know what you really are.

Even this mail is typical of me now, I'm alone downstairs, while  *****  is in bed, wondering what she has done that causes me to sit up all night watching television until 4 or 5 am or I sleep from pure exhaustion. In the evenings I'm not here it's because I'm in work until 8 or 9pm avoiding contact with those that are closest to me, I cannot face  *****  as I think her innocence highlights the contrast between good and me, and as a result don't show her the real affection she deserves. I don't drink anymore (not in 5/6 weeks) as I get dark and nasty, and try to hurt anyone that is dear to me (not physically) and recede into bouts of self loathing and blackness deep in my psyche, not nice in there I can tell you. I have evolved into a person, devoide of the emotional equipment to have proper relationships with people that matter. I have no issues communicating with strangers but when it comes to people that should matter, I don’t get involved, but I suspect, you already know this. The fact this is a mail merely reinforces this point.

I know it is unfair of me to unload this on you and am begging you not to tell anyone else as I don't think I could cope with it, it is only the fact you are not nearby and I don't have to face you, and more pertinently, face myself that is allowing me to type this drivel. When I say I have nowhere left to turn it is an insult to you as a brother, but the only light I can see in this tunnel is the train coming head on to meet me, and the worst thing is I'm not sure if I care.

Where do I go from here, do I try to play on you to dig me out again?
I know the next step is therapy and I intend to start immediately (painfully familiar), but how do I tell my family (apart from you) ? How do I rebuild my life without this permanent noose tightening and tightening. I have even managed to cut ties with any friends I had, now I realise it was a slow deliberate process, but, mission accomplished.  I don't go out, I sit here rotting. I cannot tell  ***** , I will be alone and that will be the final straw.

This self pitying crap is really a prelude to a request for help, (I have done all the sums, I'm good at that)  and there is no way I could begin to repay you for a minimum of  *****  years as it will take that long for me to pay off all the credit and loans (in the tens of thousands) I stared again  *****  years ago. I have always been resourceful when it came to lying and accessing money and maybe this is just another effort but I cannot continue this way of living any more and am looking for help to allow me to start over and have a real life. Sitting here, not sleeping and crying night after night (I was always a self pitying bawler, so nothing has changed) has driven me to this mail because I don’t even have the gumption to talk to you in person.

If you cannot see a means to help then I will think no less of you as a person, and in fairness it won't damage the relationship I have managed to quench slowly over the recent years.

If you can then maybe, with you help I can be a worthy human being too (I think I was one, once), if I haven't already passed that point.

I typed this last night, and am reading it again before I send it now. Once again, I am truly sorry to throw my crap to you, but I believe I can rescue this, and everything that should be really important.