Me again, still a compulsive gambler, still have not had a bet since my last post.
Positives, and green shoots as Dave commented in the previous post. I do not feel compulsions to bet as one might imagine.
Betting compulsions are not what drives my character defects, it is the converse. I manifest my defects by betting and use it as a vehicle of destruction and hide myself away from the real world by entering the fantasy world of gambling.
I have many issues that I have managed to dismiss over a 30 year period, a lot of them in common within our group at GA. Talking to others about how we think, how we rationalize and how we behave causes us to realise that we are not unique, the issues we encounter are not specific to us alone, we are just poorly equipped to deal with them, unable to recognise that we have to approach and deal with them in a manner similar to 99% of mankind.
We are emotionally immature and underdeveloped for whatever reason, I cannot point to a difficult past or childhood, I cannot point to years of abuse or deprivation, I can however identify my inadequacies and learn to deal with them with the tools I am slowly awakening to.
I have a choice, my natural disposition is to focus on the past and my failings, that leads to depression, I can obsess about the future but that will lead to stress. I can live in the now and that will result in me focussing on whatever is actually relevant and not what may or may not happen, and, just for today I will not gamble.
I'm following your blog with great interest and wish you all the best.
From what I've read you seem to be doing very well (not gambling) but you're having a lot of negative thoughts and emotions. I'm no expert in this area but I think you need to give yourself a break. The past is the past and cannot be undone. Money is only money at the end of the day. If you've got a family who love you then you can't be as bad as you think you are. You have shown real strength and determination and should be proud of yourself. We live in a world which forces us to try to make as much money as possible and it's easy to lose your way. A loving family is worth a million pounds.
All the best,