Just so you know

When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.

Saturday 7 September 2013

The best of times, the worst of times.

My little voice has returned and the honeymoon is in danger of ending.

The facts are in normal font and my inner voice is in red. I am not justifying or trying to explain it, it's just how my "brain" works, and I fucking hate it.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler and have not had a bet since my last post, and that's a fact.

I have handed management of all finances to my wife.
You are too much of an incompetent idiot to be trusted.

I have reached acceptable financial repayment terms with all my creditors.
You are incapable of even the most basic life skills.

My eldest daughter has managed to get a funding to do a PhD.
She doesn't need you any more, in fact she never did.

My wife has blossomed now that I don't try to dictate her thoughts, her actions and everything else in our relationship towards my goals .
She doesn't need you any more, let her go, she'd be better off. 

My youngest daughter is bright, witty and beautiful, now that the tension that accompanied my gambling has left the house .
She'd always have been better off if you weren't there.

The last 4 months have been the most serene I can remember.
What the fuck have you ever done to deserve serenity? You don't deserve hope, you don't deserve happiness, you fuck things up, you always do and you always will, do it now, you know you will eventually. You're a worthless peace of shit that poisons anything near you, don't kid yourself, you WILL fuck it up, you know you will. Why wait, do it now, DO IT NOW,DO IT NOW, DO IT NOW, DO IT NOW.NOBODY WANTS YOU, NOBODY NEEDS YOU, WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE THEM ALONE, THEY ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU.

My head is about to explode, my hands are shaking, but I will prevail, the good me, it has to be in there somewhere, I feel nauseous, I feel weary, but just for today I will not gamble, just for today I will beat this bastard down, just for today. As for tomorrow, I hope it's better.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, and I'm struggling.


  1. You need to come to terms with the fact the past is the past , Paddy, you can't change it, it just happened. I think as soon as you can grasp that fact you'll stop beating yourself up at every opportunity and be able to move on.

    In the past I've used those Zen meditation relaxation mp3's you can find on the net to relax and found the theory of "what is, is" useful to let things go. I used Zen just cos there was no religious aspect to it but most religions will have some way of allowing yourself to repent and move on. Although assuming you're a catholic it might be best to stick to zen for repentance :)

    From what you've written it seems all the family have quickly forgiven and happily moved along just need you to forgive yourself now.

  2. Perhaps you can't see it, Paddy, but I see the green shoots of positive outcomes for those around you, with you around them, in your post!

    You last post was early in August, and if you haven't had a bet since then I reckon you're being too hard on yourself. You can't buy a bottle of pills to cure your complulsion, but it looks to me as if you're on the right road.

    Take it steady, hang on in there, and you'll get there!

    All the very best, Dave