Just so you know

When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.

Tuesday 5 November 2013

6 months on

Hello my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler,I haven't had a bet today or since my last post.

In fact I haven't had a bet in over 6 month now and my world is a different place. I still spend an inordinate amount of time over analysing myself and every little thing that occurs in my tiny universe.

I revisited Gamblers Anonymous just over 6 month ago, broken and bewildered. It was a massive step in continuing my existence and empowered me to deal with the bumps on the road I encounter as part of everyday life.

The first step in the process is an acceptance that one is powerless over gambling and all that is needed to attend is a common desire to stop gambling. I admitted and subscribed and my life is better. I owe money, but I don't hate the world I inhabit, I don't hate myself or everything that surrounds me.

Whilst acknowledging the powerlessness was cathartic for me 6 months my thought process simply doesn't accept this abdication of responsibility any more. Every bet I placed, every penny I wasted and every destructive thought and action I initiated was NOT as a result of some irresistible external force, it was an action I knowingly took and disregarded the consequences.

They were the actions of a selfish being, and although I can try to convince myself otherwise through the adoption of the "powerless" defence I know this is not true.

I am the person who made those decisions, and that side of me is still there, dormant, but ready to reappear without notice. I can no longer blame external influences for my odious shortcomings, but I can now see there is another path, the one that the vast majority of people follow every day of their lives, it's called normality, or decency.

I despise people who are incapable of accepting personal responsibility, ergo, I despise the me that destroys. I cannot hide from me, I can recognise what and who I am, and only I can decide who I will eventually become. The choice is mine, I am not powerless, I am cowardly and immature, but I don't have to be.

Ian O' Doherty gets it right, again.

Anyway, my name is Paddy, and I'm a compulsive excuse seeker, but I can fix that.

1 comment:

  1. Well done Paddy, your blog is an inspiration. I wish you continued success on your journey.