Hello again, 'tis I, the compulsive one.
No bets, but the amount of time I now have available is beginning to concern me. I am stunned by the huge portion of my life that was consumed by the activity of gambling, thinking about gambling and other destructive activities associated with gambling. Put quite simply, I have loads of time and energy that needs channelling. I spent long enough wasting these resources so now I need to find something productive that will have a tangible benefit.
I have always toyed with the idea of creative writing, and the more I mull over it the more attractive it seems. The problem is, the only projects that appeal to me tend to be dark, and not exactly uplifting.
Here's the type of subject matter I was considering.
I love the idea of a tale along the lines of American Psycho but from the perspective of an Irish rural psycho, and the worst thing is I feel I could assume the perspective of the narrator quite easily.
I am also intrigued by the concept of a stage play, loosely in the format of 12 Angry Men but in the environment of a Gamblers Anonymous meeting, with 12 monologues charting the the progression of a member or members, along the road to recovery, or failure. I'm a bit uncomfortable with this one as I feel it may be a betrayal of the kinship of the members of GA, and strangely enough I seem to have a loyalty towards the fellowship. That in itself is progression for me, the fact that I have even a hint of loyalty show I have grown emotionally from the husk that I became when I was gambling incessantly.
I love the idea of a farce, based in the world of corporate bullshit with extreme characters demonstrating the ridiculousness of it all, and based on my experience the exaggeration required may not be as significant as one might think.
All of the above are fanciful and probably just a bow towards my proclivity towards escapism, and an overestimation of my literary skills.
I still have a nagging feeling I should direct my energies towards formal education and attain some kind of an academic qualification. I could probably do it through my employment, but, keep finding reasons not to do it. I'm trying to identify the cause of the reluctance but I think it's because I will discover I'm not capable of succeeding.
I attended college for years but never passed final exams. I abdicated blame for this failure in another post by highlighting the fact I was a compulsive gambler during this period, but it's a convenient excuse to hide the fact I may not be intellectually capable of success. Gamblers are escapists, and I managed to convince myself through the years I was intelligent, but if I strip away all the bullshit I have no proof.
I am learning to accept my emotional deficiencies by attending GA, but I'm not so sure I will accept my intellectual failures quite so easily.
What to do ? I don't know, but I'm still Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, and a confused one at that.