Just so you know

When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.

Wednesday 15 January 2014

Down Time

Its been a strange few days in that my general outlook has been quite poor since last Friday. During the past few months I have had inevitable periods of remorse and self recrimination, but not for sustained periods as I am learning to spot the triggers and change my outlook.

This has not been the case since last Friday. It's hard to put my finger on it but I feel low, and am in a constant state of hyper analysis, self recrimination and self loathing. These are all the mindsets I had through 25 years of gambling and the ones I need to avoid. Although I know this, I cannot seem to shake it. I'm eschewing the companionship of others, and dwelling on the negatives of my past.

It would be simple to say that the past is gone, and I'm now on a new road, but I cannot convince myself of this. The evidence of my gambling is eminently visible, and the consequences accompany me every day now and for the foreseeable future. I would be naive to expect the sins of my past not to haunt me, but I'm finding it difficult at the moment as they occupy my every waking moment. My sleep pattern has reverted to 2/3 hours per night and my willingness to share and get involved with normal life is diminishing rapidly. My thought process is becoming increasingly disordered and cluttered. I cannot focus and it's bothering me. This is how my head operated when I was gambling, I do not feel like betting, but I do not feel alive. I feel as if I'm a disembodied soul wondering aimlessly, devoid of purpose or emotion.

This is unfair on those around me, but I cannot seem to make myself care.

Below is part of the roadmap to recovery as recommended in the GA handbook.

Liabilities — Watch for         Assets — Strive for
Self-pity                                 Self-forgetfulness
Self-justification                      Humility
Self-importance                      Modesty
Self-condemnation                  Self-valuation
Dishonesty                             Honesty
Impatience                             Patience
Hate                                      Love
Resentment                            Forgiveness
False pride                             Simplicity
Jealousy                                Trust
Envy                                     Generosity
Laziness                                Activity
Procrastination                       Promptness
Insincerity                             Straightforwardness
Negative thinking                   Positive thinking
Vulgar, immoral                     High minded, spiritual
Trashy thinking                     Clean thinking
Criticizing                             Look for the good

Despite my efforts over the past few days I am lingering on the liability side of the table. As stated above, this is not an infrequent occurrence but the longevity of the current episode is concerning me.

The more likely explanation is that of a self indulgent idiot finally facing the realities for his past, and not liking the truth. To paraphrase Dot Cotton -You cannot go forwards if you are forever looking backwards. I think I'm revisiting the scene of my crimes, seeking absolution from my self, but deep down I know I don't deserve it.

I need to redouble my efforts, I need to be an asset, I will not continue to be a liability.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post.

1 comment:

  1. Paddy, I run a cricket bat company here in England. To keep you occupied and maybe help a bit with the cashflow I will give you 10% of any sales you make, how does that sound? DVWooly (AGT Forum)