Down Time

Its been a strange few days in that my general outlook has been quite poor since last Friday. During the past few months I have had inevitable periods of remorse and self recrimination, but not for sustained periods as I am learning to spot the triggers and change my outlook.

This has not been the case since last Friday. It's hard to put my finger on it but I feel low, and am in a constant state of hyper analysis, self recrimination and self loathing. These are all the mindsets I had through 25 years of gambling and the ones I need to avoid. Although I know this, I cannot seem to shake it. I'm eschewing the companionship of others, and dwelling on the negatives of my past.

It would be simple to say that the past is gone, and I'm now on a new road, but I cannot convince myself of this. The evidence of my gambling is eminently visible, and the consequences accompany me every day now and for the foreseeable future. I would be naive to expect the sins of my past not to haunt me, but I'm finding it difficult at the moment as they occupy my every waking moment. My sleep pattern has reverted to 2/3 hours per night and my willingness to share and get involved with normal life is diminishing rapidly. My thought process is becoming increasingly disordered and cluttered. I cannot focus and it's bothering me. This is how my head operated when I was gambling, I do not feel like betting, but I do not feel alive. I feel as if I'm a disembodied soul wondering aimlessly, devoid of purpose or emotion.

This is unfair on those around me, but I cannot seem to make myself care.

Below is part of the roadmap to recovery as recommended in the GA handbook.

Liabilities — Watch for         Assets — Strive for

Self-pity                                 Self-forgetfulness

Self-justification                      Humility

Self-importance                      Modesty

Self-condemnation                  Self-valuation

Dishonesty                             Honesty

Impatience                             Patience

Hate                                      Love

Resentment                            Forgiveness

False pride                             Simplicity

Jealousy                                Trust

Envy                                     Generosity

Laziness                                Activity

Procrastination                       Promptness

Insincerity                             Straightforwardness

Negative thinking                   Positive thinking

Vulgar, immoral                     High minded, spiritual

Trashy thinking                     Clean thinking

Criticizing                             Look for the good

Despite my efforts over the past few days I am lingering on the liability side of the table. As stated above, this is not an infrequent occurrence but the longevity of the current episode is concerning me.

The more likely explanation is that of a self indulgent idiot finally facing the realities for his past, and not liking the truth. To paraphrase Dot Cotton -You cannot go forwards if you are forever looking backwards. I think I'm revisiting the scene of my crimes, seeking absolution from my self, but deep down I know I don't deserve it.

I need to redouble my efforts, I need to be an asset, I will not continue to be a liability.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post.

Any wonder I lost a fortune ?

Just realised that Jan 1st meant it was 8 months since I had a bet not the 9 months I claimed.

A basic requirement for success for every gambler or trader is the ability to calculate profit / loss, the fact that I got lost in the count from 1 to 9 may be a pointer to another reason I was a spectacular failure, may be I'm not a compulsive gambler after all, just a dumb fuck.

Anyway, my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler and arithmetically illiterate, what a combnation (that should read combination so, QED).

New Year, New me ?

A common question around this time of year and my answer is that I hope not. I already tried to create a new me in mid 2013 so I'll continue to work on that, thank you very much.

January 1st marked 9 month for me since I had a bet.

9 months is enough time for a baby to grow and develop and be presented to the big bad world.

Is 9 months enough for me?

I'm not ready to leave the protection afforded to me by Gamblers Anonymous. I need frequent meetings to remind me that I've made progress, but the dark world I inhabited whilst gambling still exists. It's out there, just past the cervix. If I leave my womb, a whole new world will open up for me, one I could not resist before, a world promising untold riches and happiness, a world that delivers fear and despair. I don't want a ticket to that world, it's one way for me.

I like it in my womb, my 9 months may have elapsed, but I'm staying in, for as long as I stay here I will continue to be safe and happy. I spent 25 years bereft and broken, I think I'll stay here for as long as I can.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I haven't had a bet today or since my last post, I'm some man.