Hi, my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.
I went to another meeting Saturday morning as I felt twitchy, very twitchy. I tried to describe the ball of angst that was bouncing around inside my head and chest and the other gamblers described it to me as "the washing machine". Your brain just keeps spinning like a nuclear powered washing machine, you can't remain in the now, you can't focus on anything.
It's really mental for me at the moment, but in hindsight I've always had it , since I was a kid. I often read 2 books at the same time (not simultaneously as I'm not Dr. Reid from Criminal Minds) but it never dawned on me that it's not quite normal. I really had fun when I was reading the 5 Hitchhiker's guides as by finishing a chapter in one and then moving onto another chapter in another without realising it wasn't quite normal. I should have copped it when my chemistry teacher named me "entropy", as in disorder in a system.
Anyone who has read any posts here, or elsewhere will immediately notice the completely unstructured rambling collection of incoherent thoughts that reflect my thought process. Combine this with my obvious deficiencies and some mad shit goes on between my two brain cells. I cannot accept praise, not that it's often warranted, in fact whenever somebody pays me a compliment I still have a strong belief that I am a highly functioning but heavily retarded person that knows that I am such, but believes that others don't realise that I know I'm heavily retarded and hence wish me well as I fight to overcome my challenges. If you can follow that, you know what I mean about my thought process.
There is also the fact that I cannot accept that others may love me. Yet again I have fucked up, and gone back to family to confess my sins, and they have not abandoned me, they have demonstrated a kind of support that I, had not believed could be forthcoming. My wife has been exposed to what I do, again, that on a daily basis I lie, I deceive and steal from those closest to me and her response was "We have to stop it, together". I simply cannot understand that she can accept what I am, who I am, to have that kind of love for someone who is obviously devoid of virtue is beyond whatever part of my brain that allowed compassion for others.
When I read back on these posts I can see how self serving and snivellous (new adverb , go on me!) they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts. Bear with me, it's going to be a long night.