Just so you know

When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.

Tuesday 21 May 2013

Sneaky, sneaky gollum.

I was thrilled with my progress for 2 weeks as I had not had a bet nor an inclination to bet.

Last Friday I got paid, and through an administration error in work , I got paid into my own current account. I have taken measures to transfer the financial management to my wife, but due to a mix up it ended up in my account. All of a sudden I had access to a tidy sum to "invest", the fact that I owe multiples of it didn't occur to me and I reverted to the fantasy land of the gambler. Saturday , I was awake by 5 am and my brain was spinning with "possibilities", and had a strategy in place to divert funds for a couple of days, multiply them and no one would know.

Saturday 10:30 am, my 'phone alarm rang to remind me of my Saturday am GA meeting. I had subconsciously managed to remove it from my mental calendar. I drove to the meeting and had driven past it before I realised where I was heading - to the ATM. I turned around, went to the meeting, went home and immediately transferred the money (my wife was also present) to it's rightful place.

I didn't gamble, but by Christ I very nearly did, I had even rationalised gambling to myself. It scares the shit out of me. I now know I had a 2 week hiatus because I had no access to cash, as soon as the opportunity arrived I considered it again. "Insidious" is the word I have heard that describes this addiction, it's apt

  1. Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects: "the insidious effects of stress".

My name is Paddy, I am a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post, but fuck me, I nearly did.

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