Just so you know

When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.

Friday 3 May 2013

Never again ?

Almost a year since this BLOG has started and been abandoned by me. I abandoned it because I had been cured and stopped the journey to self destruction. Not a word of it, I started again and the big hole I found myself in got bigger and bigger, and now I think it's a black hole.

To say "I found myself in" is inaccurate, I put myself in it. 

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today, but I have had thousands since my last post.

I went back to the Gamblers anonymous (GA) rooms his week. I turned up, not sure if I was ashamed or feeling sorry for myself, but I went, and tried to start the process again. Many spoke, an eclectic cross section of our society, just first names, all so very different, all so very alike. It started round the table, anti clockwise, but that didn't surprise me as gamblers tend to eschew convention. 
Eventually, it was my turn, I spoke, I confessed, I listened to my words, I shocked myself a what I have become, my behaviour, my recklessness, my complete disregard for those that love me, and those I purport to love. I am Gollum, only worried about my precious, but I am not the only Gollum, I am at a festival of Gollums.

One is like me, back to the well, full of remorse and possibly seeking succour, it's not available in this room, but, neither is malice, merely an understanding that we cannot understand ourselves, and why we do what we do ? If we continue to try, there are others there to try to help, but we must try help ourselves before we can dream of helping others.

Gollum enters the fellowship, Mr Jackson never included that in the final cut.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Paddy,

    I've come to your blog from AGT (Morgans Choice) to wish you all you all the best. Your writing is so poignant and starkly horrifying that it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. You certainly have a literary talent. Perhaps, amongst the demons, or possibly because of them, there is a book to be written. Regardless or whether or not you choose to write one, I hope that you conquer your compulsion,

    good luck, Alan