Just so you know

When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.

Sunday, 12 May 2013

So many Charlie Parkers.

Strange weekend, just finishing another John Connolly novel and not sure if I like them or not. Charlie Parker is an interesting character, full of conflict, with a dark side, but essentially good. He reminds me a lot of the people that attend GA with me. Our dark sides do not lead to death via a firearm, but a slow death of self esteem and will to live through years of self imposed strangulation. I cannot figure out the difference between those that enjoy a flutter as a form of entertainment and those of us that us gambling as a weapon of destruction. If I could I would never have arrived at the doors of desperation and greed, maybe in times to come there will be a gene identified that results in a predilection to addiction, but for now it is beyond me. I'm currently in the honeymoon period as I'm bet free (2 weeks tonight) for a short period and cannot figure out why I returned to the misery I initially tried to banish a year ago. I'm not delusional, I know it's still there, always will be, I have caused financial armageddon within the four walls of my house, I'm not to be trusted, but how in Christ's name did I drive myself to it ?

I have often heard of troubled and destructive souls that have had circumstances conspire against them, troubled childhoods, violent upbringings, lack of love or intellectual challenges.None of the above apply to me, I had loving parents and a great childhood, in fact it was so good I used to feel it wasn't real and there must be something bad round the corner, or present that I wasn't aware of. I still am convinced I wasn't worthy of it, and have proved that over the past few years. What is it that drives us to take something good, not trust it and set about destroying it? I don't have any answers and am not expecting an epiphany an time soon, maybe I need to stop looking for the bogeyman, maybe he does't exist? What is it that makes me gamble beyond reason? That's an answer I need to find, and fight.

I have no impulse to bet now, but have so much time now that I'm struggling to fill it. 
If there are any suggestions as to how a forty four year old, broke gambler, with an over active imagination can improve himself and those afflicted with him, please feel free to advise. It can't do any harm, that's my job.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.
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4 comments:

  1. Anonymous13 May 2013 at 04:21

    Hi Paddy,
    In very simular situation to you mate. I managed 1 month without a bet last year but got back on it after that and back to square one 30k debt. Started once again and up to a month without a bet and been good but paid a couple or debts of c/c and can feel the urge brewing. I started running/jogging as very unfit and overweight and has helped might be worth a try its time consuming and you do feel good after. good luck on your journey

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous13 May 2013 at 04:43

    Hi Paddy,

    Before I got into trading I used to be a film and music buff and play guitar. Nowadays it's very rare for me to do those things but when I do I completely forget about trading, gambling, horse racing, money or possible financial crises that might arrive in 5 years time. You could try to rediscover your old passions from before the drug of Betfair was introduced.
    Another thought I've had is that all the talk of the 'credit crunch' and the forever rising 'cost of living' is so daunting that it's no wonder people are trying to make money anyway they can, and if you have a laptop and read '100k in 1 year' blogs it's so easy to be suckered into online gambling.

    Keep posting and good luck,

    Cheers,

    Leroy

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous15 May 2013 at 01:41

    "I cannot figure out the difference between those that enjoy a flutter as a form of entertainment and those of us that us gambling as a weapon of destruction."

    I saw a documentary a while ago, I think it was either Panorama or Horizon on the BBC, which was asking similar questions and they found that problem gamblers brains are wired slightly differently to other people's. I think it was something to do with the amount of dopamine (pleasure / reward chemical) and other hormones that gets released at certain times when one is gambling, particularly after a loss. I can't remember exactly but I think they found that after a loss in a normal gambler the level of a certain chemical in the brain drops, but in problem gamblers it doesn't.

    They now have quite a simple test that they can be done on anyone to identify if their brain is wired in a way that means they are likely to be a problem gambler. According to the scientists, the chance of having a gambling problem tends to be unaffected by background, past circumstances etc..... it's just a difference in certain people's brains that they are born with. It's a shame kids aren't tested in schools so that those at risk could be warned.

    So there you are. Maybe it's just the way your brain is wired and the bogeyman doesn't really exist at all!

    Bazbaz

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  4. Anonymous15 May 2013 at 05:19

    Hi,

    I have experienced your financial situation, to the point where British Gas gave me a date and time when they were arriving to cut off my gas supply. Luckily for me, I found the Tir Na Soir website (http://tnsradio.ning.com/) and that was a game changer. I think the forum postings on the "Official Offer" may be of immediate use to you.

    Hope this is of some use,
    Me

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