Just so you know

When I read back on these posts I can see how ridiculous they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts.

Friday 10 May 2013

Just for Today .......

This is a subsection of statements of intent in the GA handbook that are pertinent and relativly simple. I will quote them every now and again to to to reflect reality.

"Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not try to tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime"

Yesterday was pretty relevant to the above intention, Mrs Dickhead and I attended MABS (money advice) and the first thing I was instructed to do by the councillor was to stop thinking of every possible scenario in the future. I firmly believe that many gamblers have over active minds (washing machine analogy in previous posts) and this is reinforced by the people I listen to in the GA meetings every week. I really do realise that I am capable of starting again and the damage I can do in a 12 hour period is really appalling.

There is something cathartic about having shared my addiction with family, and now outsiders via the MABS route. I can think clearer, I can focus for minutes at a time rather than seconds, and the other thing I am beginning to notice about myself is that I am less critical of others, I am discovering a sense of empathy that I thought had been eradicated many bets ago. This is a paradigm shift for me in the space of 12 days, and if I can continue to reduce the abhorrent aspects of my personality by staying away from gambling there may be an upside for those I have hurt. I am not naive enough to believe all will be roses or I am cured, this is a condition that will remain with me forever, but, when I hear guys talk at meetings, after multiple years without gambling, and I fell their enthusiasm and lust for life it helps to keep this idiot focussed. There are many like me at the genesis of their recovery, and the darkness an despair that envelops us is sadly universal.

On a side note, I tried to cancel my Paddy Power account on line, not an option. I am now about to ring them but surprise, surprise, it's very difficult wonder if I was a winner would it be so difficult ?

I have self excluded from Betfair (6 months is the max) and Betdaq (5 Years is the max) and am in the process of shutting them down. It's largely irrelevant as I have handed control of all finances to my wife, had to be done if I'm serious about this.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.

ps. As a Liverpool fan, I'm delighted Fergie is gone, hard to dispute his legacy as one of the greatest.

See, told ya I was getting soft!

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