Sneaky, sneaky gollum.

I was thrilled with my progress for 2 weeks as I had not had a bet nor an inclination to bet.

Last Friday I got paid, and through an administration error in work , I got paid into my own current account. I have taken measures to transfer the financial management to my wife, but due to a mix up it ended up in my account. All of a sudden I had access to a tidy sum to "invest", the fact that I owe multiples of it didn't occur to me and I reverted to the fantasy land of the gambler. Saturday , I was awake by 5 am and my brain was spinning with "possibilities", and had a strategy in place to divert funds for a couple of days, multiply them and no one would know.

Saturday 10:30 am, my 'phone alarm rang to remind me of my Saturday am GA meeting. I had subconsciously managed to remove it from my mental calendar. I drove to the meeting and had driven past it before I realised where I was heading - to the ATM. I turned around, went to the meeting, went home and immediately transferred the money (my wife was also present) to it's rightful place.

I didn't gamble, but by Christ I very nearly did, I had even rationalised gambling to myself. It scares the shit out of me. I now know I had a 2 week hiatus because I had no access to cash, as soon as the opportunity arrived I considered it again. "Insidious" is the word I have heard that describes this addiction, it's apt

Adjective

Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects: "the insidious effects of stress".

My name is Paddy, I am a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post, but fuck me, I nearly did.

So many Charlie Parkers.

Strange weekend, just finishing another John Connolly novel and not sure if I like them or not. Charlie Parker is an interesting character, full of conflict, with a dark side, but essentially good. He reminds me a lot of the people that attend GA with me. Our dark sides do not lead to death via a firearm, but a slow death of self esteem and will to live through years of self imposed strangulation. I cannot figure out the difference between those that enjoy a flutter as a form of entertainment and those of us that us gambling as a weapon of destruction. If I could I would never have arrived at the doors of desperation and greed, maybe in times to come there will be a gene identified that results in a predilection to addiction, but for now it is beyond me. I'm currently in the honeymoon period as I'm bet free (2 weeks tonight) for a short period and cannot figure out why I returned to the misery I initially tried to banish a year ago. I'm not delusional, I know it's still there, always will be, I have caused financial armageddon within the four walls of my house, I'm not to be trusted, but how in Christ's name did I drive myself to it ?

I have often heard of troubled and destructive souls that have had circumstances conspire against them, troubled childhoods, violent upbringings, lack of love or intellectual challenges.None of the above apply to me, I had loving parents and a great childhood, in fact it was so good I used to feel it wasn't real and there must be something bad round the corner, or present that I wasn't aware of. I still am convinced I wasn't worthy of it, and have proved that over the past few years. What is it that drives us to take something good, not trust it and set about destroying it? I don't have any answers and am not expecting an epiphany an time soon, maybe I need to stop looking for the bogeyman, maybe he does't exist? What is it that makes me gamble beyond reason? That's an answer I need to find, and fight.

I have no impulse to bet now, but have so much time now that I'm struggling to fill it. 

If there are any suggestions as to how a forty four year old, broke gambler, with an over active imagination can improve himself and those afflicted with him, please feel free to advise. It can't do any harm, that's my job.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.

Just for Today .......

This is a subsection of statements of intent in the GA handbook that are pertinent and relativly simple. I will quote them every now and again to to to reflect reality.

"Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not try to tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime"

Yesterday was pretty relevant to the above intention, Mrs Dickhead and I attended MABS (money advice) and the first thing I was instructed to do by the councillor was to stop thinking of every possible scenario in the future. I firmly believe that many gamblers have over active minds (washing machine analogy in previous posts) and this is reinforced by the people I listen to in the GA meetings every week. I really do realise that I am capable of starting again and the damage I can do in a 12 hour period is really appalling.


There is something cathartic about having shared my addiction with family, and now outsiders via the MABS route. I can think clearer, I can focus for minutes at a time rather than seconds, and the other thing I am beginning to notice about myself is that I am less critical of others, I am discovering a sense of empathy that I thought had been eradicated many bets ago. This is a paradigm shift for me in the space of 12 days, and if I can continue to reduce the abhorrent aspects of my personality by staying away from gambling there may be an upside for those I have hurt. I am not naive enough to believe all will be roses or I am cured, this is a condition that will remain with me forever, but, when I hear guys talk at meetings, after multiple years without gambling, and I fell their enthusiasm and lust for life it helps to keep this idiot focussed. There are many like me at the genesis of their recovery, and the darkness an despair that envelops us is sadly universal.

On a side note, I tried to cancel my Paddy Power account on line, not an option. I am now about to ring them but surprise, surprise, it's very difficult wonder if I was a winner would it be so difficult ?

I have self excluded from Betfair (6 months is the max) and Betdaq (5 Years is the max) and am in the process of shutting them down. It's largely irrelevant as I have handed control of all finances to my wife, had to be done if I'm serious about this.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.

ps. As a Liverpool fan, I'm delighted Fergie is gone, hard to dispute his legacy as one of the greatest.

See, told ya I was getting soft!

Night of the long addition.

3:07 am : OK, lets add it up again.

Credit Card 1 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 2 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 3 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 4 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 5 : ***** Euro
Mortgage : **** Euro
Car Tax : **** Euro
Overdraft : ***** Euro
Personal subs from brother and sister : ***** Euro.

OK that's what I have to pay or owe. Now here's my income :

**** Euro.

Sweet Jesus, I'm fucked, the only way we can get out of this is if something happens to me and the family get the insurance. What are the options ?

STOP THIS THINKING. GO TO SLEEP.



========================================================================

4:03 am : OK, lets add it up again.

Credit Card 1 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 2 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 3 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 4 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 5 : ***** Euro
Mortgage : **** Euro
Car Tax : **** Euro
Overdraft : ***** Euro
Personal subs from brother and sister : ***** Euro.

OK that's what I have to pay or owe. Now here's my income :

**** Euro.

Sweet Jesus, I'm fucked, the only way we can get out of this is if something happens to me and the family get the insurance. What are the options ?

STOP THIS THINKING. GO TO SLEEP.



========================================================================

5:17 am : OK, lets add it up again.

Credit Card 1 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 2 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 3 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 4 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 5 : ***** Euro
Mortgage : **** Euro
Car Tax : **** Euro
Overdraft : ***** Euro
Personal subs from brother and sister : ***** Euro.

OK that's what I have to pay or owe. Now here's my income :

**** Euro.

Sweet Jesus, I'm fucked, the only way we can get out of this is if something happens to me and the family get the insurance. What are the options ?

STOP THIS THINKING. GO TO SLEEP.



========================================================================

6:11 am : OK, lets add it up again.

Credit Card 1 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 2 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 3 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 4 : ***** Euro
Credit Card 5 : ***** Euro
Mortgage : **** Euro
Car Tax : **** Euro
Overdraft : ***** Euro
Personal subs from brother and sister : ***** Euro.

OK that's what I have to pay or owe. Now here's my income :

**** Euro.

Sweet Jesus, I'm fucked, the only way we can get out of this is if something happens to me and the family get the insurance. What are the options ?

STOP THIS THINKING. GO TO SLEEP.



========================================================================

This is how it goes, all the above problems are of my making, and familiar to all gambling addicts. I have an appointment (with the wife) tomorrow with a money advisory group (MABS in Ireland) to try to come to some arrangement with my creditors. When they see my income (very good by modern standards) they are going to wonder how I can be in financial trouble, and I'm going to tell them.

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post, please help my family to have a life again, please.

1200 Spin or 1400 ?

Hi, my name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today or since my last post.

I went to another meeting Saturday morning as I felt twitchy, very twitchy. I tried to describe the ball of angst  that was bouncing around inside my head and chest and the other gamblers described it to me as "the washing machine". Your brain just keeps spinning like a nuclear powered washing machine, you can't remain in the now, you can't focus on anything.

It's really mental for me at the moment, but in hindsight I've always had it , since I was a kid. I often read 2 books at the same time (not simultaneously as I'm not Dr. Reid from Criminal Minds) but it never dawned on me that it's not quite normal. I really had fun when I was reading the 5 Hitchhiker's guides as by finishing a chapter in one and then moving onto another chapter in another without realising it wasn't quite normal. I should have copped it when my chemistry teacher named me "entropy", as in disorder in a system.

Anyone who has read any posts here, or elsewhere will immediately notice the completely unstructured rambling collection of incoherent thoughts that reflect my thought process. Combine this with my obvious deficiencies and some mad shit goes on between my two brain cells. I cannot accept praise, not that it's often warranted, in fact whenever somebody pays me a compliment I still have a strong belief that I am a highly functioning but heavily retarded person that knows that I am such, but believes that others don't realise that I know I'm heavily retarded and hence wish me well as I fight to overcome my challenges. If you can follow that, you know what I mean about my thought process.

There is also the fact that I cannot accept that others may love me. Yet again I have fucked up, and gone back to family to confess my sins, and they have not abandoned me, they have demonstrated a kind of support that I, had not believed could be forthcoming. My wife has been exposed to what I do, again, that on a daily basis I lie, I deceive and steal from those closest to me and her response was "We have to stop it, together". I simply cannot understand that she can accept what I am, who I am, to have that kind of love for someone who is obviously devoid of virtue is beyond whatever part of my brain that allowed compassion for others.

When I read back on these posts I can see how self serving and snivellous (new adverb , go on me!) they can be, I am aware of it but I'm trying to demonstrate the thought process of an addict as he tries to rationalise, blame others and abdicate responsibility. I want to put it in writing so, when I read back I will spot the warning signs as I start to try to find excuses to gamble again, as demonstrated in previous posts. Bear with me, it's going to be a long night.

Never again ?

Almost a year since this BLOG has started and been abandoned by me. I abandoned it because I had been cured and stopped the journey to self destruction. Not a word of it, I started again and the big hole I found myself in got bigger and bigger, and now I think it's a black hole.

To say "I found myself in" is inaccurate, I put myself in it. 

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today, but I have had thousands since my last post.

I went back to the Gamblers anonymous (GA) rooms his week. I turned up, not sure if I was ashamed or feeling sorry for myself, but I went, and tried to start the process again. Many spoke, an eclectic cross section of our society, just first names, all so very different, all so very alike. It started round the table, anti clockwise, but that didn't surprise me as gamblers tend to eschew convention. 

Eventually, it was my turn, I spoke, I confessed, I listened to my words, I shocked myself a what I have become, my behaviour, my recklessness, my complete disregard for those that love me, and those I purport to love. I am Gollum, only worried about my precious, but I am not the only Gollum, I am at a festival of Gollums.

One is like me, back to the well, full of remorse and possibly seeking succour, it's not available in this room, but, neither is malice, merely an understanding that we cannot understand ourselves, and why we do what we do ? If we continue to try, there are others there to try to help, but we must try help ourselves before we can dream of helping others.

Gollum enters the fellowship, Mr Jackson never included that in the final cut.