Never again ?

Almost a year since this BLOG has started and been abandoned by me. I abandoned it because I had been cured and stopped the journey to self destruction. Not a word of it, I started again and the big hole I found myself in got bigger and bigger, and now I think it's a black hole.

To say "I found myself in" is inaccurate, I put myself in it. 

My name is Paddy, I'm a compulsive gambler, I have not had a bet today, but I have had thousands since my last post.

I went back to the Gamblers anonymous (GA) rooms his week. I turned up, not sure if I was ashamed or feeling sorry for myself, but I went, and tried to start the process again. Many spoke, an eclectic cross section of our society, just first names, all so very different, all so very alike. It started round the table, anti clockwise, but that didn't surprise me as gamblers tend to eschew convention. 

Eventually, it was my turn, I spoke, I confessed, I listened to my words, I shocked myself a what I have become, my behaviour, my recklessness, my complete disregard for those that love me, and those I purport to love. I am Gollum, only worried about my precious, but I am not the only Gollum, I am at a festival of Gollums.

One is like me, back to the well, full of remorse and possibly seeking succour, it's not available in this room, but, neither is malice, merely an understanding that we cannot understand ourselves, and why we do what we do ? If we continue to try, there are others there to try to help, but we must try help ourselves before we can dream of helping others.

Gollum enters the fellowship, Mr Jackson never included that in the final cut.